dome shaped thoughts

reshaping

2009-10-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

If you haven't noticed, I'm kind of an all or nothing girl. Can't hide my enthusiasm but can't fake it either. If i'm not into something, or don't agree, you'll know. I'm also a person who gets hooked on things and then drops them. Examples of this would be: food, music, shows, men and blogging. I get excited about sharing my thoughts with strangers just for the idea of putting a different perspective into the atmosphere but at times it feels too self-involved. I really do care about big issues but have rarely been able to articulate my thoughts through writing. I'm a straight conversationalist. So i hope you don't read this blog for political insight or theological exploration, this is just a place for me to get things out.

moving on.....

Reshaping. That's the current theme in my life. I've been back to the gym for a few weeks now for a physical reshape, that's going....well, it's going. My company is beginning an organizational assessment to consider restructuring and while it's necessary, it's tough to hang on indefinitely waiting around for change. A good friend recently called me out on some things that i knew needed change which got me thinking about how i need to adjust my attitude and actions towards God. Being 25 and single is tough. It's tough to meet people. I need to reshape the way I think about dating and realistic about expectations and what i'm ready for. So needless to say, there's alot floating around in this dome right now. My gut says it's all headed toward good change but it's already been a very long and emotionally draining year. So that's me, thanks for listening.

25...

2009-06-16T21:05:00.001-07:00

...still feeling the vibe. i've never felt different after a birthday but something is different about 25. it feels good. i have a kick in my step and feel a little more legit than last year. nothing happened overnight between 24 and 25 and yet, i woke up feeling like a brand new woman. i haven't analyzed why i am where i am, or why i'm not somewhere else and i don't really care that i'm single though, it would be nice to have someone around. 25 will be my year, i can feel it...

untitled...

2009-05-31T22:48:00.000-07:00

....dot dot dot
not the end of a sentence
but an open continuation of thought
leaving room for something else
something another forgot
say it in another way
say it another day
it can linger forever that dot dot dot
let's us pause
think
and repeat
the dot, you hope
might be the link
to the soul
so it will finally
be
complete

removing the clutter...

2009-04-16T16:28:00.000-07:00

....i don't know about you but, i have seasons in life that can only be described as cluttered. right now, my room, my car, my desk, my brian, even my computer bag are all cluterred messes. i don't like messy spaces but man, it's bad right now. every night when i get home and walk upstairs, i see the boxes, the pictures and shelves that should find a home, and walk back downstairs. i wish i made the time to de-clutter more than every few months. my mom tried to help by making me a labeled file for literally every possible piece of paper she could think of that needed filing. while it's very sweet, i don't keep copies of bank or credit card statements b/c i just go online to view my account. not that you care so i don't know why i'm telling you this...

when i get in a pattern like this, i usually make a list on my white board of things to tackle that stays there untouched/unchecked for, oh , about a month or two. i guess i can really only laugh at myself because it would take a serious organizing system to fix me. today, i'll start with my desk and try yet another system which won't work but, at least it's something.

i am completely aware that i just wasting three minutes of your life which you can never recover....you're welcome :-)

random...

2009-03-09T23:13:00.000-07:00

stifled creativity in the years that have past
anxious to matter for something that lasts

fearful, inspired, passionate and numb
balance is futile yet this is all happening at once

another year, another next time
a new hand to hold
a chance to redefine the story that will be told

hearts to explore, exchange and change
just wish i knew which one to tend to

an encounter like fresh air to my soul
a message that i can and should be more of me, not just less of the old

an unequivocal connection that doesn't require talking
yet time and space seem to be mocking

unwanted change yielding opportunity and hope
inspiration, passion and purpose - all of these i hope

newness....

2009-03-03T21:57:00.000-08:00

....when i was younger, i was pretty resistant to change. actually, i have been resistant to change my entire life. that is until recently. lately i find that i am craving "newness". a change of scenary in almost every area of my life. from my apartment, the music i listen to, places i go, people i hang out with and how i spend my time in general. don't get me wrong, i love my friends and wouldn't trade them for anything but i think there is something so exciting about the newness of a stranger. no context, no expectations, no history -just raw conversation. college was fantastic b/c you could meet someone and talk for hours about the smallest or biggest details of life. as we get older and more involved in our routines, i think we all too oftern miss those moments.

i've heard alot of my friends talk about how we're all turning 25 this year. it's weird, i'll admit it. if you had asked me two years ago where i thought i might be at 25, portland wouldn't have been in the answer. but such is life. i've been through some crazy stuff in the past few years with family and friends and while most of it was unwanted, it was so needed. so with a few more months to go at 24, and a whole lot of question marks ahead, i'm embracing being me, and what that means right now...and right now, it means spicing life up a bit.

better together....

2009-02-05T17:49:00.000-08:00

...we're all better off together, don't you think? as maxed out as i've been these past three weeks, my family, friends and co-workers have been extremely supportive and i realize now that's made a world of difference. my mom is finally coming home today after spending 19 days in the hospital with a painful skin condition called pestular psoriasis. while i was emotionally and physically exhasuted, i don't think i realized it because my friends and co-workers were there to help carry the load....and a few glasses of wine here and there never hurt anyone :-) knowing she'll be home takes such a weight off my mind and heart. it's awesome.

i have a million things running through my mind at this moment but instead of writing about all of it, i think i'll keep it to myself for once. instead you should check out this article my co-worker sent around today on the differences between the terms new and social media. it's really interesting and relevant http://www.christopherspenn.com/2008/09/04/social-media-and-new-media-are-not-the-same/ and

i'll end with a few pictures that make me happy...

peacelove

the mamas....

2009-01-31T10:56:00.001-08:00

a few of my faves from the fun photo shoot in December...

dating is dated...

2008-12-23T09:10:00.000-08:00

...was the title of a NYT article a week or so ago. my friend sent it to me and i passed it on because i thought it was unfortunately true. charles bloom writes about the shift in the dating world. it's no longer the norm for people to just go on a date to get to know each other. now, it's all about hooking up once or twice and then seeing if you have a connection worthy enough for dating.

as a single myself, this article really intrigued me. i've had to change my perception on dating post-college. for years i had it in my head and heart that you "date for marriage". well let me tell you how taking that philosphy literally can screw up your expectations in a dating relationship. on the one hand, it is smart to date with intention and be aware of the expectations you're both putting out and picking up BUT, dating with the intention of marriage is way too intense. and for most 20 something guys, it's an impossible concept. i know that there are certain things i need out of a mate but i want my future husband to surprise me. part of the excitment associated with dating is learning what you need, want and desire - not writing it out as a list and waiting for a cookie cutter guy or girl to come along.

bloom maked a few observations that validated my thoughts:

"under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date."

It used to be that "you were trained your whole life to date," said Ms. Bogle. "Now we've lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them."

i think the last point is so true and something i'm trying to work on - just being open to new people and new expereinces.

check out the link here and let me know what you think.

peaceandlove

the breakup...

2008-12-18T12:16:00.000-08:00

....don't worry, this is not another self-invovled post, though i can relate in some way's to this girl's story. my friend jess, who is still in the midst of a break-up, sent me the link to this audio clip. if you have 30-45 minutes to kill i strongly recommend listening to it. on this epsisode of "this american life" ira talks to a girl about her break-up. she was so devasted and into the emotions of it all that she decided to write a song about it. she interviews phil collins, the king of break-up songs, and communicates her feelings about the breakup in a raw, honest and funny way. she's one of those people that doesn't know she's funny. my favorite line is "we took hand holding to a new level"...i can totally relate. it amazes me that sights, sounds and smells can take us back to a moment with someone like we never left it.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=339

one great observation she makes is that break-ups are one of the few emotionally intimate experiences that almost every human being has in common. anywhoo, take a listen. i would love to hear your thoughts. the other "acts" that follow are also really interesting.

the simple life...

2008-12-15T21:40:00.000-08:00

...that pretty much sums up my weekend. well, at least the first half of the weekend. I got the chance to reunite with some of my closest friends from college known as "the mamas". not all the mamas were there but it was still a great time. we stayed at a cabin in sun river for three days. while our drive there took over five hours on thursday night due to a bad accident on I-5, we had a fantastic weekend. the snow started falling friday morning but let up just in time for our surprise. my friend jess and i surprised the others with a professional photography shoot. blink photography met the six of us as the old mill mall in bend and spent about 90 minutes following us around taking pictures. it was so fun, i can't wait to see how they turn out.

we had great food, wine and a nice fire all weekend. we debriefed on our lives over the past year (literally) and talked about everything from multi-colored christmas lights to legalizing marijuana. we're all fairly opinionated (can you hear my sarcasm there?!) so our conversations are always interesting. we know one another well enough to call each other our when we've crossed the line or are just being too dramatic, it's great. this vacation was one of the best we've done. no schedules and not a heck of a lot to do but relax. it was nice not having the pressure of doing different activity's and trying to figure out who was going with who etc.

the most eventful part of the weekend, other than our 90's dance party, was the drive home. we heard all weekend that the flipping storm of the century would drop on saturday night but we were prepared to drive in the snow....or so we thought. two of our friends had to drive up in separate cars and meet us thursday night so we had a total of four cars. we decided to caravan over willamette pass to make sure we all made it to eugene at the very least. we cruised over the pass with a few stops for chains and then went our separate ways in eugene. jess, ashley and i cruised up I-5 on dry pavement until we hit Albany. at 5:30 PM we hit albany and didn't move more than a few inches for two hours. it was insane. jess and ash had to go to the bathroom so they were about to hop the side barrier when a female truck driver invited them to use her port-a-potty in her semi. they jumped at the chance, i mean who hasn't thought about what that would be like? they said it had nice wood paneling and was much more spacious than they expected. haha...oh goodness.

we heard chains were required in ptown and we didn't have any (didn't need them over the pass) so we decided to stay overnight in salem with our friend michelle and sort everything out in the morning. my poor friend ashley was bummed not to make it to portland because she had to eventually get back to seattle but we had a great time. we went sledding with michelle, her fiance and his buddies. i loved every minute of it because i let go of all the circumstances which were out of my control. we were there for the night so i tried my best to soak up even more time with these awesome people. we left around 10 this morning and made it back into ptown by 11:30, it was quite the adventure. took literally 24 hours to get home.

i realize this is mostly useless information to you but, if you've ever met any of my friends, it's pretty classic of us and a fun snow day '08 story. here are some pics from the weekend, i'll post more later on facebook.

our back drop for the drive home was amazing....

off the back deck of the sun river house...

i love my friends and was so blessed to have a weekend with some of them. i'm thankful that i'm constantly surrounded with fun, intelligent, whitty, challenging and beautiful friends.

maybe one of these days i'll write a more substantive post that doesn't involve me...

peaceandlove

sweet illumination...

2008-12-02T21:55:00.000-08:00

....i think that's that phrase sums up what has been going on with me over the past two weeks. i've been learning so much about myself; how i think, how i learn best, how i let information get in my brain without questioning etc. it's a little hard to explain but it's almost like i'm having a "re-awakening". i'm soaking up the little tidbits about me that for some reason i had tucked away for too long.

...also go to talk with my older sister in japan tonight. since i don't actually pay for internet at my apartment (yes, i pirate a signal every now and again) we don't get to skype as often as i would like. 'm also bad at setting aside time at work or on the weekends to email her so it was fun. she and my brother in law are coming for christmas which will be sweet. i asked her if they are experiencing any effects of the global economic crisis and her response was that she can no longer buy fruits/veggies for under $2. while that's a relatively small thing, i think it's a sign of minor effects in their small town. earlier tonight, my dad and i chatted about how the NW is lucky to have not been hit as hard as other states. while we will likely see unemployment rise above the current 7.3%, our city is not yet at risk or becoming paralyzed by catastrophic cuts to one certain industry.

this has become so fascinating to me over the past few days. as a poli sci major, i detested my econ classes but the nerd in me has come creeping out lately trying to see all angles of the crises we're experiencing now. i had the conversation with my co-workers today about my dilemma to buy local and support small business or simply buy american and buy local food when possible. i heard some commentary on npr recently that encouraged portlanders to buy 10% of their holiday budget on local goods and it would boost our local economy. well i happen to work with steve novick, who ran for senate earlier this year, and he had a different take on this. steve basically said that it's not always a great idea to only buy local b/c supporting small business in this economy isn't enough. it's better to buy american and support local business. what are your thoughts? i have never thought about where the things i buy come from so it should be interesting to try.

here are a few other things on my mind:

got to reconnect with a friend from my program in DC, great to chat with him
found a couple awesome records at my parents house
have been rocking harry belafonte's blues record
wonder if i'll ever sign-up for a dance class rather than just talk about it
want to buy a goat for a village somewhere in the world this christmas
excited for a weekend away with friends in sun river next weekend

peaceandlove

floating thoughts...

2008-11-17T21:07:00.000-08:00

...wow, haven't posted in a while. let's see what is on my mind:

i can't belive i went through college without pandora radio
i'm excited about a few projects in the next year at work: events and media work for Mercy Corps and Portland State
i'm learning that you can't expect people to give you the love you need/want if you don't give them the love they need/deserve
family means more than just who you lived with as a kid
can't wait to put my nephew in a DUKE jersey :-) he arrives in February just in time for March madness
it's hard to watch people i look up to struggle with issues that hit close to home
i miss the sound of his voice
i had an awesome weekend in eugene with the mamas. we rocked the dance floor like nothing had changed. i
i got to catch up with a friend who i drifted from after college, it was theraputic for us both
honesty is always the better way to go
DC?
i absolutely love my small group. i never would have guessed that 16 year old girls could show me how much deeper i can go with JC
i'm glad my friends feel like they can unload and confide in me
i am in a fantastic bible study with a group of "women" (i don't want to admit that is what we're called now) led by janette. we are going through major prohpecies in the bible, it's crazy and so cool. it is so refreshing to hang out with "women" who are in the same life stage as me
rose braun is awesome and we are so alike it's scary
can't wait to go snowboarding this season
i want a dog
there is no limit to how many scarves i want to buy right now
this thursday is my last day staying with sarah, she has more energy than most puppies....yikes
mike geiring is hillarious
it is a funky feeling to not be in a relationship sometimes but i've embraced my singleness
will i ever learn to freaking cook and not be embarassed to cook for others?

time to read with sarah and go head to bed....sweet dreams all

peaceandlove

believe and be satisfied...

2008-09-12T13:10:00.001-07:00

.....that's the title of a poem my friend gave me in college. it's about love but it really resonates with just about everything in my life right now. i need to :

belive God will provide me with enough financially to get what i need, pay the bills etc.
BUT be satisfied with what i have ....which means cutting back on movies, dinner out, games, not getting the snowboard i really want etc.
belive God has brought me to this job for a reason BUT be satisfied with areas i need to grow in and growing pains in an office.
believe that God will bring the right guy into my life when we're both ready BUT be satisfied with me and God....not easy
believe that if God brought me to it - God will bring me through it

that's alot of but's....

in the midst of all my soul searching and healing though, i've been opening up more. i think i'm becoming a newer version of the old me. i'm more laid back these days, not worrying about being in three places at once doing everything with everyone - that's dumb b/c in trying do that i cheapen the time with the people around me. the real kristen is totally quirky, dances alot, sings nonstop and just rolls with the punches. some people don't know that i've struggled with anxiety and other issues throughout my whole life and everyday i have to literally make a choice to be happy, but i know that's my issue and i'm beginning to be okay with it. life is getting good again and i'm recognizing that i've been blessed with solid relationships and attention most of my life. i'm learning to be okay with me and okay with where God has me...and okay with Sarah Palin. Haha - had to throw that in for Kurt and Mike (if they even read this).

so on this sunshiney beautiful day i think i'll take off a few hours early from work...on my bike of course with my awesome pink helmet:-)

peaceandlove

it's better to have loved and lost...

2008-08-05T21:35:00.000-07:00

....than to never have loved at all. yep, that's pretty accurate. but what they don't say is that loving and losing hurt. most of you reading this probably know that zach and i broke up a few weeks ago. actually, i wouldn't even call it a breakup in the traditional sense of the word. we both felt like God was trying to get our attention by telling us that the time jsut isnt right. we've both got a lot of growing up to do and while it would have been much easier (and more fun) to stay comfortable in the functional and healthy relationship we had, we both knew what God was asking for...He wanted our hearts back. it's funny how one day you can think that you're heart is ready for something and the next wake up wondering what in the heck you were thinking. our hearts can jump out in front of us and lead us with emotion and block us from seeing/hearing things. to be totally honest, i think i unintentionally put alot of pressure on zach about the future and allowed my emotions to lead the way when what i really needed was to appreciate where we were at (are at) and jut thank God for a healthy God breathed relatioship.
of course hindsight is always 20/20 but i think you catch my drift.

our relationship surprised me (and most of you) from the start. but I am 100% confident that God brouht me zach to teach me about how to love myself and love other people. he is an amzing person and, as i've told many people, i can't simply delete him. when people hear that we broke up or ask me about the dets, they expect some heart wrenching sob story, like every other breakup. you won't find that here. it hurt...it still hurts but we had such a solid friendship to lean on that we're slowly but surely finding our groove there again. so that's that. thank you all for your prayers, your listening ears and crying shoulders. zach and i are confident that we are where we're supposed to be and that's in God's hands. whatever happens next is up to Him....

as for the rest of my life, I'm working like a dog but gaining amazing expereince on a political campaign for the November elections. we're working on a statewide ballot measure which i'll dive deeper with in a later post. it's funny how God knows what we need better than we do. Hes providing me with awesome friends, great devotionals, work and other good distractions in my life the past few works. im so thankful for my friends and the weddings i've been able to be a part of the past few weeks. i love watching people close to me be happy..that's the good stuff in life.

okay well they're kicking me out of moonstruck so more to come later.

peace love

me time...

2008-06-20T23:04:00.001-07:00

...i don't know about you but i don't get much of that. between work, zach, family, friends and church i'm pretty tapped out every week. zach and traci both let last saturday for honduras for two weeks and a few other friends were on business trips this past week so i've had a ton of time to myself. i love it. i've realized that i spend so much time trying to work around other people's schedules and making them happy that i never spend time on me. in my quest to "balance" my relational life i've managed to neglect my personal, spiritual and physical health. this past week i started working out again, praying more throughout the day as i used to, catching up with friends and just being. i realized that i was spending so much time trying to get from point a to b that when i got to b i wasn't a good listener or friend. i was tapped out. it's funny that i'm writing this b/c on sunday i'm sharing at Overflow on this very topic: relationships.

tonight i hung out with my mom, watched a movie and had a cupcake. then i came home and got to skype with tyler who's still teaching in thailand. since he's been there (almost for a year) we haven't had much time to chat. it's tough to coordinate schedules so it was nice to chat without having somewhere to be next.

i think it's time for a s'more.....

peacelove

donde esta??

2008-06-01T13:30:00.000-07:00

maybe you've been asking yourself that...where is kristen? why hasn't she been blogging? well my friends, i'll let you in on the last month of my life:

- i moved into a sweet apartment with one of my best friends and i love it (we don't have internet yet hence the hiatis in blogging)
- i road tripped with my grandpa to colorado then stayed with my friend kristina in denver
- i've been busy busy at work. it's the good busy though. i love what i'm learning and how i'm challenged. i'm blessed to be able to work for good people and good causes.
- i've been learning A LOT in my relationships lately. specifically, i don't like when my friends set unspoken or unattainable expectations on me so i shouldn't do that to them.
- it's tough when you feel like you're being replaced
- i miss living with my dog big time
- i'm learning to manage money better than ever before. it doesn't scare me anymore.
- i am praying that i can go to africa in the fall with the church
- i'm leading sophomore girls at overflow and am learning lots
- sometimes at work i pinch myself b/c of all the responsibility and trust they've given me over the last 6 months
- i turn 24 soon:-)
- on the road trip with my grandpa i got to see emotions of his that i never thought he had. we were listening to "It's Your Love" by tim and faith (yes, my gpa likes country) and he was crying b/c he missed my grandma. i told him we could turn it off but he said no, they were tears of good memories.
- my niece is walking and kind of talking. she's awesome.
- zach and i are making strides in understanding each other and learning to compromise....i've found out over the last year and a half that i'm pretty selfish when it comes to time.

that's about it...i'm gonna go home and hang some stuff on my walls finally.
happy sunday

greetings from the desert...

2008-05-05T19:58:00.001-07:00

....this week i'm in sunny carefree, arizona for work. our client, sloan-c is hosting the emerging online learning technology conference here this week. i'm a tech nerd at heart so i' excited to be here. my job is great b/c we get the opportunity to work for good causes and apparently it takes you to places like arizona!

it's beautiful here. i've never been to arizona and i get to be here for 7 days. after the conference is over i'm staying with my homegirl linda through the weekend. right now there is a jazz band playing in a building not far from my room and they sound wonderful. i'm tempted to wander over but not and watch them. i'm sitting on my balcony listening to them and it feels like harry connick is going to bust in any minute now. i wish zach was here to dance with me (he told me he wished he could be there so we could eat together...typical) but at the same time it's lovely to be with me.

in other news, the new apartment is awesome. carly and i are doing great so far and elliott the cat has settled in. i'll post pics when i get back next week.

that's all for now- gotta do some work.

peace love

my new best friend...

2008-04-24T20:06:00.000-07:00

...two posts in one day, aren't you lucky. sarah and i went to the park tonight (for those of you who don't know i'm staying with sarah magarian while her parents are in mexico) to swing and enjoy the sun. this adorable red head with braces marches up to me and sits down on the swing next to me. i told him he had cool shoes, he said thanks. then he starts doing serious dismounts of the swing to impress me. i told him he was a great jumper- he should look into swing olympics. i ask him how old he is...he says 9. he tells me that he was born in italy at which point sarah asks if that's in france (she's serious). he tells me his name is pietro. but hearing it from an adorable 9 year old in an italian accent is so cute. it was like he declared it, he didn't just say my name is pietro....he owned it. i told him is english is great for only having been here a few years and he tells me that he wants to learn other languages so he can understand all people of the world. so this 9 year old and i start having a border line philosphical conversation about languages and people. he was so intelligent and adorable. he told me to come back tomorrow if the weather's nice....i told him i would have to ask my mom (i think he thought i was like 12). i love kids, they are so awesome if you just listen to them.

in other news i have a stye and an infection in my eye:-(

my friend is a celebrity...

2008-04-24T09:30:00.000-07:00

....check it out. my friend kristina is working for the democratic national convention in denver. she moved there two weeks ago and is already being interviewed...phenomenal. i may have her as a guest blogger b/c her stories already sound like sammy's hill. and if you are a girl and you haven't read sammy's hill you absolutely have to.

are you for real...

2008-04-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

...this is what i thought as i read someone's license plate cover this morning on my way into work. first of all, Oregon drivers never cease to amaze me at how ignorant they are. we all know that when you get a mile or so from the tunnel on 26, you can't change lanes b/c it's pretty dangerous and can causes a headache of a traffic jam. so mr. shiny mercedes decides he's going to get over w/o a blinker. wonderful idea. i slam on my breaks. i'm ticked off but not really pissed. b/c of his awesome manuvere i am close enough to read his license plate cover. it reads "i would rather be killing terrorists". are you kidding me? now my juices are boiling. i can't believe he (1) actually paid to have that put on something and (2) would then take the time to put it on his car. now, don't get me wrong, i'm not a fan of "terrorists" but i am a fan of human life and don't think any human has the right to judge the finality of life. i would LOVE to ask him when he first learned about "terrorists" and what the word means to him. who does he classify as a "terrorists"? b/c newsflash buddy: terrorism has been going on for centuries..if history repeats itslef (as it normally does) terrorism is not likely to end in our lifetime.

so after all that ran through my mind i decided to pray for mr. shiny mercedes. i would love to have a conversation about why he felt compelled to state that he would rather kill people than oh gee i don't know...go golfing!!!! his statement, whether he really beieves it or not, scares me. have we let our media and national dialouge be so independednt that he thinks it's okay to say he would like to kill another person? if that's the case...heaven come down!

today was....

2008-04-12T22:16:00.001-07:00

.... wonderful. i got up after the first good night sleep in a long time, volunteered again at the orphans overseas booth, drove with my windows down listening to all the sounds outside, cleaned my room, layed in the grass and had an awesome day. my sister, traci, and i wanted to take nikolette to the tulip farm to take pics. well, we didn't think all of western oregon would be going there too. we were in traffic for freakin two hours...LAME. but no worries, we stopped at the brooks truck stop and had a great time. we came back to my parents house and played with nikolette and took some cute pics:

the first one is my favorite. she is chowin' down on a pear and the dog is waiting 'till she can get a piece. we had fun. traci and nikolette spent 2 hours in the back seat so i'm pretty sure they are buds now. nikolette is such an awesome baby. it was a great day, the sun was therapeutic.

other thoughts:
*wish i could quit my job to travel with an aide organization
*can't wait to move out
*i miss zach
*i miss kristina
*i was desperate for some sun
*i need to make more time to read
*lately, i can't listen to the news...it always makes me angry
*the differences between young/old on church issues are fascinating
*traci is a good friend
*i am looking into dance classes again
*balancing friends/boyfriend time is so tough
* god has been putting interesting thoughts about the future in my heart lately
*wouldn't mind having a good cigar to smoke tonight
*life is good....

peacelove

....

2008-04-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

...a thousand times i fail, still your mercy remains...

there is such comfort in truth

did you see....

2008-04-10T12:20:00.001-07:00

...i caught the tail end of american idol last night and they were singing "My Jesus My Savior"...how cool was that?!

okay, ill admit it...

2008-04-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

...i am a john tesh fan. his radio voice at night is so soothing (zach makes fun of me for it) and i love the intelligence for your life pieces. my friends and i had a conversation the other day about laundry. i know, i know...it's weird but that's just how we are. two of us were brought up with moms who always told us to buy clothes a size bigger b/c "it will shrink in the wash". besides the fact that this is the greatest lie i can remember during my childhood--bigger than the Easter Bunny (i've only had one thing shrink in my life and that was b/c it was thrown in the drier like 11 billion times) we both grew to do laundry very differently. both of our moms were sorters but kristina and i do things very different, she piles and i do it all. i do two loads; light and dark. hot/cold. simple as that. pretty much everything goes in the dryer except for some jeans and work stuff but, i as i learned in college, laundry is a time sucker so why make things more complicated with "piles"? tonight i was crusiung the john tesh website for some random tidbits of info and came across this bit about laundry so i thought i would share it:

Set the washing machine to COLD. If every person washed four out of five loads in cold water, it could keep 50 tons of nasty carbon emissions out of the atmosphere per year. An added bonus? It’ll make your clothes last longer and you’ll save money, too.

pretty neat, eh? laundry takes up so mcuh time and i am always amazed at how some people can become so controlling over their laundry. does it matter that much to your family?

are you a laundry freak?

peacelove

procrastinating...

2008-04-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

...i feel like i'm in college again. tonight, i found myself at a coffee shop with my headphones, hot chocolate and papers strewn about a tabletop. i'm working on a big RFP for a client we already work for. it's a great project with both creative and community outreach components. so i'm sitting here, excited about the project and the chance to bid for it and i'm stuck. maybe it has to do with the lack of sleep i got this week in my hotel in medford. maybe it has to do with all the sugar i've had today. maybe it has to do with the world of warcraft team that seems to be playing all around me. i don't know what it is but i'm just stuck and my butt is sore from sitting.

in other news, i absolutely love my new book. last october i started eat, pray, love and still have not finished it. at christmas i started a book about which detailed the theory of the government using fear tactics on the american people after 9/11. it was interesting but i couldn't get into it. then i started yet another book that i couldn't get into. finally, i found one i love. it's called acts of faith by philip caputo. this book follows two mercenaries as they travel into the sudan to provide aide to the starving/struggling sudanese people. they come to africa with good intentions, wantin to save the world one person at a time and end up getting entangled in the moral battle that is africa. who is good and who is evil. basically it plays off the phrase TIA or this is africa. behind every good deed is an evil outcome. it's really good so far and fairly believable. i'm really considering going to africa in the fall so i am exposing myself to both far-feched and not so far-feched concepts. anywhoo, it's a good read.

okay- back to work i go

peace love

the weekend...

2008-03-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

...minus the fact that i was hit directly in the head by a dodgeball from my boyfriend tonight, it was a great weekend. i have been wanting to get away for a while but just don't have the money to do it right now. so the next best thing was to check out mentally for a few days. i slept alot this weekend, hung out with my family and had an awesome night out with friends on saturday. i've felt really blessed lately in every part of my life. my friends and i are starting to find each other again in this wierd post college (even though it's been 2 years) world. they are taking on new adventures which inspire and encourage me. i got a raise at work :-) and i'm just joyful in general.

at the same time, i'm craving an adventure. this is the longest i've stayed put somewhere since college. i have the same job and am doing pretty much the same things as i was six months ago. not that i'm bored, just antsy. i think about d.c. alot, not in a regretful way but in an endearing way. my time there in college shaped alot of the thoughts and opinions i carry with me now, i was lucky to have that experience. i think i'm going to start taking arabic again. i heard a word in arabic this weekend and it sounded so beautiful....

not much else to report...i think i'll read and go to bed. g'nite all.

march sadness....

2008-03-24T20:08:00.000-07:00

...it's so sad that duke lost. they played the ducks played on thursday night. so sad. to be honest, i'm still in a little bit of shock and denial that they're out. so let's just not talk about it.

in other news, easter was great. the services were really fun. this is the first ministry at sunset where i haven't had a behind the scenes/leadership/planning role so it's interesting/hard for me to just keep my mouth shut. the great thing is that there really isn't much to say. the leadership is solid. jill is a phenomenal choir director and communicator, jay is fun to work with and leads the band like a pro, and janet keeps them all in sync. it's very refreshing to not have to take care of anything. all i have to do is sing. that's it. just worhip God with other people, such an awesome feeling. so often at churches people who are capable and outgoing get bumped from one ministry to another just because they can fill a certain role or perform a certain task. over the last year, after my 8 month "learning process" with fusion and other things at sunset i've learned the benefit of saying no. it's hard to do, especially when you are the type of person who wants to help out. but it's not worth getting burnt out. so needless to say i really enjoyed just singing.

i'm housesitting this week at a cute little condo and it's got me really excited to move out in may! some of you may know this already, but my friend carly and i are moving into the commons at sylvan highlands the first weekend of may (sorry cas, i'm gonna miss your graduation). my slogan for the last few months has been "out my parents door before i'm 24", which is june, so i'm ahead of the game!

a few weeks ago one of our clients at work, the Glaser Progress Foundation, sponosred a hearing on Capitol Hill in DC focused on rethinking the GDP (gross domestic product). the hearing date landed just a few days from the 40th anniversary of Robert F. Kennedy's speech on the inadequacies of the then GNP. basically, if you walked outside right now and got hit by a car and spent a week in the hospital, that would register as an increase of the GDP. as Kennedy said, it doesn't measure our happiness or the "reasons we love being American". our client made a video based on some of our recommendations and posted it on YouTube, you can check it out here, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e51JnJPPY0E. it's interesting b/c this was pitched to over 100 reporters in the U.S. and made it into the LA Times and a few others. but someone in italy got ahold of it and the hits on the video have gone up by a couple thousand. its crazy. i find it fascinating that people outside of our country and more engaged in a dialouge about our GDP than our own country is. hopefully my man barack can get some chatter going on this too, just as he did with his speech on race. these are issues that need to be brought out from behind the curtain.

what do you think?

march madness has begun..

2008-03-20T18:03:00.000-07:00

...i love basketball. playing it, coaching it, watching it. love it. and my Dukies are playing right now. duke leads freakin' Belmont 67-64 with 2:44 to go. duke looks flustered and tired but as always, i'm hopeful they will pull this out. this is intense and is the exact reason why i love march madness. college players have a passion for the purity of the game and an ability to give everything they have. it's awesome to watch. last time i checked i was 6 for 7 in the tourney so far. ...more to come later

i've been tagged....

2008-03-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

...i wrote this while I was in am SEA for work end of last week but didn't post it...anywhoo, i was tagged by melinda groth so here we go...

A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.

B. Each player answers the questions about themselves.

C. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

What was I doing 10 years ago?

being an 8th grader
struggling through a life of horribly cut bangs, bad acne and serious sweating issues...yeah Certain Dry!
playing soccer/basketball and dancing
wondering where if my dad was okay during his active duty tour in Bosnia
getting excited for high school

4 Things on my To Do List today:

send out press release
pay bill
spend time thinking about something other than work while at work
pray for my friends

Snacks I Enjoy:

cadbury eggs
berries
salami/crackers
chips and salsa
corona
slurpees

Things I would do if I were a Billionaire:

go to grad school
travel
but a car with better gas mileage
give money to my family
partner with a non-profit on a huge long-term relief effort somewhere in the world

3 of my Bad Habits:

worrying
not excercising
negativity/talking too much

5 places I have lived:

Fayetville, NC
Washington. DC
Eugene, OR
the beav

5 Jobs I have had:

farm lady on an alpaca farm (yeah, it was tight)
chili's hostess
intern at middle east institute (DC)
linens and things (thinking about it makes me shutter)
church lackey and paid intern (only paid once though!)
porject associate at pyramid (current)

there you have it. i don't have anyone new to tag b/c most blogs i follow already got tagged. i'm gonna dive into my new book.

peace love

blogging brain freeze

2008-03-02T22:37:00.000-08:00

i can't think of anything funny or interesting to write about at the moment so here are my current thoughts:

...worship at Overflow ended perfectly with "i love you Lord", it felt unscripted and spontaneous with a little soul, that's the best kind...my neighbors got a 2 month old siberian husky, i am in love with it...i get to teach art lit to 4th graders on tuesday in Allie Roth's class...i love cadbury cream eggs....it's really loud to drive with the windows down...i am applying for my first apartment tomorrow....i wore a necklace last night that belonged to my grandma and it made me miss her alot...i will never have enough money to do what i want to do...i should be more grateful for what i have...zach and i had the best night on friday (thanks to my boss, i surprised him for his bday with Blazers vs. Laker tickets--we got hooked up to eat in the GM's suite before the game and sat 13 rows from the floor...girlfriend of the year award is in the bag)...i could live off chips and salsa...saturday night was so fun(kamikaze anyone?)...march madness is here...my friends crack me up...when people talk about a problem they have with someone else and then do nothing about it, it's hard to listen....john mayer's music will never get old to me...today's sun was therapeutic...

goodnight:-)

fun weekend

2008-02-25T17:23:00.000-08:00

i had a great weekend. friday night after work i took some of my caregroup girls to see 27 dresses. traci and i saw this last week but it's one of those hillarious chick flicks that will never get old. i had so much fun hanging out with the kids, 15yr olds have such pure fun. they really wanted to t.p kurt's apartment but we couldn't find it. i loved doing this in high school so i was totally into.

saturday i headed for an escape to the mountain with my friend carly. we listened to great music on the way up and back and had a great time "training" on the mountain. we have this vision to become really good snowboarders over the next two years. we've decided we're committed and we want to be jumping by winter 2010. yeah, we'll see how that goes. i just love spending time with carly b/c she has known me for about 13 years (she would laugh at that) and has NEVER treated me differently. our relationsip has really never changed. we have somehow managed to stay in tune with each other even going in separate directions in life. she is not a person who talks to fill space, she got real things to say and i love how colorful her life is.

then sunday was fun going to church, finally getting to see zach after a week of not seeing him, spending time with my niece and then OVERFLOW. all in all, a great weekend.

ohh...and i decided to join the easter choir at sunset. the last time i sang at church was back in North Carolina in a church full of color and soul so it should be interesting to see how this goes. not that sunset doesn't have soul...it's just that watching a bunch of white people trying to sway back and forth and clap on beat is always entertaining. but singing has always been a passion of mine so i'm excited.

a surpriZe...

2008-02-17T16:44:00.000-08:00

is what i got on saturday night. i went to a memorial for my friend Wesley Winters from high school who died unexpectedly last sunday and then met zachat his grandmas house for dinner with his family which was great. we headed back to my house for a bit. i walked upstairs to change still feeling emotional from the service and when i opened the door this is what i saw....

a tulip (my fav) for every month we've been together...14. Two bears,a huge thing of chocolates, and the cutest note i've read. i was so surprised and made the girliest noise you've ever heard. it was great. to know that he'd put the effort in and been there when i was gone was so sweet:-) it made a perfect ending to a rough day and i couldn't ask for anything more. thanks zachy:-)

v-day

2008-02-15T12:36:00.000-08:00

i'd love to hear from everyone what they did for valentine's day. i don't care if your single or 85 and married. it's fun to hear the uniqueness of every relationship.

i spent valentine's day texting and talking to zach and then, because he had caregroup, the evening with my homegirls. my friend kristina and i got some pizzicato in the pearl and i'm pretty sure everyone thought we were lesbians but whatev....that's portland for ya! so we got to catch up about life etc. and that was great, totally what i needed with her. then my other friend jess joined us for brownies and we ended up talking about heaven, death, hair dye and more. i LOVE my friends for that very reason. we talked about books, hair cuts, race, heaven, politics and death all in the span of about an hour. phenomenal. my friends rock.

then i decided to surprise zach with something cute and dorky. i often leave him notes on his car or at his apartment, try to do fun things out of the ordinary for him hoping that he might catch on and do that for me! i don't expect big things, or gifts in general but i LOVE surprises. so we decided not to do anything for V-day b/c his B-day is coming up and we can do a double celebration via the big surprise i'm whipping up for that. so i wasn't expecting anything...but still, a girl can dream! all day i kept telling him that he must have given the flower company the wrong address because i still hadn't received the flowers he sent me (knowing full well he didn't get me any). so last night i drove to shay's house where i knew he'd be watching LOST with his kids and i knew his car would be unlocked. i left a really cheesy monkey with a cute card on his dash. not much but i know that the words in the card made him smile and he appreciated the effort i made to show him he's valued and desired. (ugh, that sounds soooo psychologist)

the great thing about zach is that he compliments me everyday. pretty much everytime we talk he says something that makes me smile and speaks to my heart. when i went to DC in june he stashed little notes in my suitcase for me to dig up over the two weeks. of everything he wrote, one thing stays with me everyday "you are what beauty is and could ever hope to become". it might sound cheesy to you but to me, it's perfect.

even then, as much as i enjoyed hearing things from zach and my friends yesterday, i found myself crying in bed last night praying that God would be the one to satisfy my need to be desired and wanted. not just romantically but in so many ways. my desire to be affirmed in everything in life is a lost cause. nobody on earth could totally fill that need.

i'm thankful that my friends and i have never made a big to-do about valentine's day, even though i miss the SAD (Singles Awareness Day) parties we threw ourselves in college. and i'm thankful that i realized how important and appreciated zach makes me feel everyday, even if we both have a long way to go in understanding how to show it to one another.

SO- thanks to my friends for good convo and fun texts/emails yesterday. and thanks zach for being you.

hope you expereinced love in some form yesterday....

peace love

where've you been?

2008-02-11T17:41:00.000-08:00

i started this post out listing all the things that have changed in the last month, stuff i've been through that hasn't been so pretty. but then i realized that i need to start letting go of the past. i think too much about the past and i let it dictate the present. so my goal is to recap the past in a positive light. where am i going now and what have i learned from where i've been? what inspired this thought you might ask? this past weekend somebody asked me where i've been and i realized that in my efforts to balance out some areas of my life like friendships, i've inevitably sacrificed some others.

i've been working...alot. it wouldn't be so bad except for the stress i put on myself which adds to my anxiety. don't worry...i'm getting that figured out. i work for a public affairs firm called Pyramid Communications.
We work mostly for non-profit progressive causes servicing clients in communications plans, branding, media relations, strategic planning etc. i love it. i've had to climb a serious learning curve but i am so excited to be working for a company who works for good causes. i've never been satisfied doing something without a purpose, especially work. so it's challenging and great. everything i asked for.

zach and i are still together. coming up on one year and a few months. it's crazy to think about but it's so awesome. i love being in a relationship with him. i get to learn things about him that nobody else knows and i open up to him in ways that i never imagined i would to a guy. i can honestly say that the trust in our relationship, due to our brutal honesty from the very beginning, has been so refreshing.

since graduating college most of my friends and i have been moving non-stop with work and life in separate directions. the transition ater college sucked. it's a funky time in life, and the first time where you can't identify with the lifestyle of your friends. your lives cease to resemble each other, which was so comforting in high school and college. you go from living a similar day to day life to living a crazy, confusing life. anytime i was stressed out or whatever, i just opened my door and had 60 girls waiting to cheer me up. or when i needed to vent, i walked a few blocks to the patty shack, plopped myself on my friends couch and ate an otter pop. they ALWAYS understood and connected with what was going on in mu life.

it's only been in the past few months that i feel like i'm finally re-connecting to my friends in post-college life. it's been tough for me as i still live at home...this adds a totally different dynamic to my social life, but whatev. i've watched my friends make some huge decisions and strides in their lives over the past few months. i was so focused on me and my decisions that i had no room to care for them as i used to. now that i'm learning to set myself aside to listen my friends, leave my schedule behind me and just chill like we used to, we're getting stronger. traci and i especially have been working through some growing pains in our lives which affected over our freindship but i think we've worked through the major kinks and let's face it...there's pretty much nothing we haven't been through by now. my friends are awesome, they are one of my many sources of untapped rejuvination.

so the changes ive been through since september have been huge. they've been a source of stress and anxiety but also a source of growth and hope. i'm learning alot about the life i have and the life i want to have. big difference there. it's all been in Gods plan and timing, i just need to roll with it. as Colonel dad has always said, "when life comes at you, strap on your parachute and yell huuah all the way down"

time to relax with some college hoops.....peace love

more Obama for yo' momma

2008-02-04T22:20:00.000-08:00

one of my bosses sent this video around today, it's tight. i don't care who you are or who you're voting for...this video is powerful and really captures how significant the upcoming election is. i can't figure out how to import video into my blog but you HAVE to check it out if you haven't already. john legend is amazing...

http://www.dipdive.com/

also, i've decided i need to spice my blog up a bit so i thought what better way to do that then by having guest appearances from some of my best friends! you can look forward to some guest postings in the near future, and if you know my friends you know they'll be well worth the read....

peace love

"us"....

2008-01-31T22:36:00.000-08:00

on the phone tonight with zach i told him i was on my blog and wanted to post a picture. i asked him what it should be of and he said "God". i said umm no. he said "Jesus". i said try again. he said "us". so here you go, the picture of the day is of "us". you're welcome portland....

not exactly the best pic of us but definitely indicative of our relationship...

awesome weekend

2008-01-28T11:53:00.000-08:00

so winter camp with the high schoolers was so great. i was really hesitiant to go but am so glad i listened to God and went. i had sophomore girls and they were awesome. so much fun and no drama. they didn't bring makeup, hair straightners, or blow driers..just a ton of candy ,my kind of girls! it was so refreshing to have teenage girls around who didn't care about where they sat at meal times or worship, who they saw on the way, where the boys cabins were etc. we had a great time laughing, playing in the snow and just hanging out. i think i'm going to stick with them through the rest of the school year b/c both of their leaders are pregnant.

worship last night was so powerful and fun. the kids all finally connected and were honest with themeselves and each other. our small group was great- i slept soundly and woke up to 6 more inches of snow:-) i loved living in a winter wonderland for a few days.

things i conquered this weekend:
-taking two showers in a nasty bathroom
-going up higher on the mountain with no fear
-doing a 360 on the way down the mountain (not the jump just the turn, Ryan Dixon witnessed it)
-cold toes
-challening teenagers with their lives
-held back the urge to jump in and help ...which meant keeping my mouth shut
-got over myself and connected with kids again:-)

now it's back to the grind but i am so thankful for everyone involved with our student ministry. this camp was awesome. it was different to not be involved with any programming for the first time in about five years, but it was so relaxing. mike giering is an awesome leader and the staff did a great job .....can't WAIT for HB '08!

and kurt, i'm sorry for that mean/funny joke i said on the way back from the meadow:-)

peace love folks

thoughts on people

2008-01-22T20:13:00.000-08:00

i think it's funny when people try to toot their own horn while trying to sound really humble. i'm watching the american idol auditions right now and this girl came on claiming to sound like mariah carey. you know it's going to be bad when someone claims to be as vocally capable as someone like mariah carey. so ryan seacrest is asking her why people say that about her and she says "like i'll be singing mariah carey when i'm walking around and people will be like oh my gosh are you playing mariah carey and i'm like um no that was me". just the way she said it, she was trying to sounds like she doesn't want the attention etc. i'm not trying to bash her b/c it's great that she had the confidence to get on the show, i just think it's so funny when people fish for compliments. i've done it, we've all done it....this just reminds me that what other people think of us doesn't matter one bit. i'm learning to live my life based on the worth my God gives me (which for a person who has sought affirmation in every relationship since birth is a tough thing to do)

back to the auditions...hope you have a good night!

will you be my valentine??

2008-01-18T15:35:00.000-08:00

i get to work with one of my best friends everyday. kristina is awesome and she is such a fun person to have around. we used to work in the same pod and got nothing done. now we email each other from just a few feet away. here is what she has sent me today...so far:

now this is a true heart shaped leather ottoman that someone is actually selling on craigslist.

now this next one is pretty trashy but it's hillarious b/c it's real....all real

and with that, i wish you a happy friday!!

politics

2008-01-06T22:07:00.000-08:00

i've been thinking alot lately about passion. is everyone born with passion or, is it something you pick up along the walk of life? i'm not sure if this is a generational thing, but lately, i've met very few people with sincere passions. i know plenty of people who have strong and passionate opinions but i only know a handful of people who are passionate about certain issues. i think the difference lies in the persons actions. you can be passionate in discussion but when it's over, are you going to live out the words you just spoke? (kinda like frontrunners in sports.)this came to my attention during the Iowa caucases last week. just a few nights before, i had watched the movie Bobby. it's about the hype around bobby kennedy and tells the stories of six different people who were affected in one way or another by his assassination. it was awesome to see the real footage of people, young and old, mobilizing to spread the word about the change bobby kennedy could bring to the white house. the speech Obama made after is victory in Iowa sounded very similar to the rhetoric of the kennedy days (both of them). the political race we've just entered into will be a monumental one. i hope that every person in this nation finds an issue and a candidate with whom they can identify with ( i still don't know who that is for me). the beauty of our democratic process can be realized in this next election no matter who is voted into office. we have a chance to make our voices heard about issues in our country and our world. maybe after this election senators and congressmen/women will actually appear on the floor of the senate and the house to vote like the old days instead of traveling around raising money to fund their next re-election.

so to answer my original question, i do think God gives us each passion. it's in our hearts and souls. we should do good in this world with the gift he's given each one of us.

what do you think? are we all born with passion?

Christmas List

2007-12-21T10:23:00.000-08:00

I've received this from multiple people so here it is

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Bags...they're way easier and usually cuter
2. Real tree or artificial? REAL...cut that baby down! This is my favorite Christmas activity
3. When do you put up the tree? About two weeks to Christmas
4. When do you take the tree down? A week or so after
5. Do you like eggnog? No thank you
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Hmm...my baby Jamie (we had matching outfits) or my record player
7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yep- the one I put up every year...think my parentals got in Germany
8. Hardest person to buy for? Mom
9. Easiest person to buy for? Dad
10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? Can't think of one
11. Mail or email Christmas card? Mail
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? White Christmas and Elf
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? December
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? FUDGE. Straight chocolate, I don't mess with nuts
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Colored duh
17. Favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night or Bing's White Christmas
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home Travel somewhere snowy with family but we usually stay in Ptown
19. Can you name Santa's reindeer? Dasher, Dance, Comet, Cupid, Donor, Rudolph, Prancer, Blitzen....
20. Do you have an Angel on top or a star? Star
21. Most annoying thing about this time of year? No longer having a winter break!

Floating Thoughts

2007-12-18T20:42:00.000-08:00

1. It does not feel like Christmas this year...probably b/c I have a real job with expectations and responsibility which = less time for mindless fun.
2. It's nice to have some income which allows me to buy nice gifts for my family after EVERYTHING they've provided for me. I love surprising people with things they don't expect.
3. The church services I went to this weekend were so awesome. The Way was great and Sunday morning at Sunset and Insight were bomb.com.
4. Snowboarding on Saturday was really fun. I am more afraid of the drive up and back than the snowboarding itself.
5. My family misses my grandma and grandpa alot....wish they were still with us.
6. I feel like Im finally getting over a long spiritual drought.
7. I'm looking for a new way to be used in ministry....I never thought I was that good at games (that was someone elses idea) I just enjoy talking about my life experiences and making people laugh.
8. Zach and I have been dating for 1 year! This is the longest relationship I've ever had...it's challenging and fun, he's an awesome guy.
9. I am ready to move out into my own place.
10. I'm thankful that my dad has not fought in this war and that he's still alive....I feel for the families who have lost loved ones for such an ambigous cause or who are away from family during the holidays, those were always the hardest tours to endure.
11. This year God threw me for a loop. First, I expected to be in Washington, DC by March. Then, be in Washington, DC my August enrolled in grad school. Then, I didn't get into grad school so I moved there for four days expecting to be there for a year. Now, I'm in Portland, living at home working for a public affairs firm. Wonder what He'll have in store for me next year......
12. I wonder what my friends really think of me.
13. I'm procrastinating, can you tell?!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! (christmas- more christ)

dis·com·bob·u·lat·ed

2007-11-28T13:11:00.000-08:00

*To throw into a state of confusion*

I used to think the word caprious best captured my everyday life in thoughts and actions but now I think discombobulated does. I have been out of control busy for the past two weeks. Ok let me back up. I blogged a week or so ago about how I wanted to stay positive for the week to come. I did pretty well with that. My office moved from SE to NW. Well let's put it more like I moved the office and everyone else showed up to ask questions. I'm not complaining, just being sarcastic. I knew from the get go that this would be in my court and nothing went wrong, we moved in ahead of schedule, but it was just stressful. I haven't managed multiple people and pieces in a while and I forgot how time consuming and brain consuming it is. There were alot of points where I could have been negative or told people to stop asking stupid questions, but I really held it together well. Work hasn't slowed down much, it's actually picked up, but such is life.

I've definitely been connecting more to God lately (thank you Melinda and Stacey for the encouragement) and I've recognized that as I'm working to get over this hump in my life and move on to the better Kristen, I'm encountering a type of spiritual warfare like never before. I don't have time to go into it in detail but I feel like I'm being attacked physically. I'm exhausted everyday and all I want to do is sleep but no matter how much sleep I get, I'm never rested. And of course, hundreds of thoughts have flown through my head like: maybe you have mono, maybe you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or maybe you have some crazy cell disease nobody has ever heard of....and then I tell myself to snap out of it and ask God to give me energy. I'm afraid to go to the doctor b/c I'm paying for my medical insurance which is illness or injury only so I'm just hoping that this is nothing to be concerned about.

BUT despite that junk, life is good. I have a cool job, get to go snowboarding this weekend, have a patient and fun boyfriend and committed friends.

Ok...back to work:-)

deeper

2007-11-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

I really want to have a deeper relationship with God. Over the last year I feel like I've shortchanged myself with Him. My pessimism and lack of discipline has gotten in the way of our connection. The past two weeks however have been awesome. I felt like I was connecting with God again on a level that is more than feelings, a genuine spiritual connection. The devil knows this though and has stepped up his quest to keep my mind on the negative things. When I am excited about what God is doing in my life I feel like I'm on top of the world...and then I look to my left and something is crumbling apart.
I usually attribute my negative attitude to my home environment. I grew up a happy kid but somewhere in there my mom changed. She stopped having friends, stopped doing the things she loved and really disconnected from us. Because of her upbringing, I don't think she could ever trust anyone...she moved over 20 times in her childhood and went to three high schools....that would do a number on any kid. Because we used to spend so much time together, I would play off her emotions and moods. My dad was gone a lot, either on a tour of duty or just out town on business so I learned some things from my mom that I wish I hadn't. My sisters were older so they moved out and it was pretty much me and my mom for a while. I know that I can't blame her for my actions and attitude but I also can't help but see that our short-comings are exactly the same. We fear so much in life (fear of failing mostly) that we rob oursleves from really living. We push people away who want to know us intimately, and we beat ourselves up for things which are not in our control.
My goal for the next week is to put my full effort towards spending time with God and getting right with God. I have to be ready to sacrifice relationships and personal satisfaction to spend time with my Savior. I need so much peace and restoration in my life right now and I know that only God can provide that for me. I have to be the person that He made me to be in order to function in this world, I know that starts with forgiving myself and submitting to His plan.

Wish me luck this week..positive thoughts are the name of the game!

Missing your big chance..

2007-11-07T17:50:00.000-08:00

today i might have missed a big chance to prove myself. i was so engrossed in a project i was working on, determined to finish it, that i couldn't see anything else. about 10am this morning i got an email from somebody in our SEA office asking if i could help with a peice of an RFP our team was working on. i scanned the email and thought sure, i can do that later this afternoon, no biggie. well, 3PM rolls around and my boss starts sending me all these emails about the original email with documents attached etc. one of her emails said "this needs to be fed-ex'd tomorrow AM". i immediately started to freak out. not only had i missed a chance to be on top of things and organized but i coudnt redeem myself b/c i had to leave right at 5pm due to the fact that i am house-sitting/taking care of a 14yr old for a week ( i call it a gig but its actually taking care of another human being, not easy for me). so i apologized for not being on top of it and did everything i could to coordinate people and paper to end up in the right place. i think eveything will turn out just fine but on my drive home i kept think...did you miss a big chance? not that i would have been asked to write anything important in our proposal, but i would have been a part of putting something into it. i know my boss knows how hard i've been working on the details for our move and other projects she's given me but it's so hard not to wonder.

but the sunset worth leaving early for tonight....

test for jess

2007-10-31T14:36:00.001-07:00

Stop Here on Red

2007-10-31T12:36:00.000-07:00

I have long been fascinated by traffic signals. Until I was about twelve or thirteen I used ot think that little people lived inside the lights and waited until a lane had lots of cars lined up, and then radioed to his little friends that he was going green. It seemed really logical to me at the time. Today I'm still baffled at how traffic lights regulate our driving pattern. Every morning when I merge onto 26 from Sylvan, I am joined by many other cars as we inch and crawl our way to the light. And then we wait anxiously, some of us more than others, for the light to turn green and affirm our inclination to go. I really don't beilieve that lights at onramps have helped our traffic flow all that much, and don't even get me started on "traffic calming humps" in Beaverton.

I often blow straight through those red lights when merging if nobody is around b/c I think they are pretty ridiculous. What if our signals were switched and Red meant go, Green was stop. I wonder which came first, the red light green light game or traffic signals.

Passion

2007-10-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking alot about passion lately. It seems that I've lost mine. I can honestly say I used to be very passionate about God, serving youth, dancing, sports and friends. But I really feel like I've lost my passion to do those things. I've allowed my fears and my comfort zone to own me and my time. Lately, I've been noticing more passion in my friends' lives and I have to be honest that I'm a bit jealous. I remember what it was like to dance across a stage or play on a court and not care what other people thought, it was so freeing...I miss feeling free.

It's not a coincidence that I've also been thinking about what "freedom in Christ" means. I believe that when you truly find your freedom in Christ, you find your passion. When you feel chained to certain feelings, habits, or ways, freedom is a tough thing to attain and passion is fleeting. I often remind myself that God has made each one of us in a unique likeness to Him and that other people's passions are not to be in competition with ours, or to even compliment ours. They just simply are. I know God has gifted me with certain talents and passions and I really want to tap into them. I need some hobbies of my own and I want to have those moments with God again where it's like He's the only one watching. I love those moments.

On another note, thanks to everyone who wrote/called to ask about my grandma. The service last week was really nice and I think my grandma got a great farewell. Her death really opened our families eyes to how much she held our family together. She really was the glue of our family, always updating everyone about the happenings of everyone else, sending cards at Christmas and birthday's. I pray that her life legacy impacted my mom and her siblings enough to make them think about sharing more of their lives across time and space.

That's all for now....(p.s. did you check out the moon tonight? wow)

When it rains.....

2007-10-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of my grandma Lois and I a year ago when they visited. Her situation has gotten progressively worse over the last week and a half. She's been in the ICU for almost two weeks now, and still no change. She has been breathing through a ventilator for most of those two weeks. She still has a lung infection, blood infection and the spot on her abdomen is most likely more cancer. My mom and her siblings are all in CO and tomorrow they will end her life support. This is one of the weirdest situations I've ever dealt with. I've seen suicide, death by a drunk driver, natural death by cancer at an old age, but I've never been in a situation like this. I know that even if she were to wake up and get over the infections, her quality of life would be poor and she would have the battle of her life everyday.

I'm so thankful that she knows God and that she will be so much happier in heaven. I will miss the little things about her. She is an amazing seamstress and quilter. She made quilts for both of my sisters when they got married, I'm sad that I will never get to have one. She has always sent us the craziest Christmas presents. For example, one year I got one of those battery powered squirrels that chase a ball which is attached to their mouth. This awesome gift was accompanied with the usual pair of weird socks my grandma packaged in whatever tissue paper was left over from the year before. I haven't had much time to be emotional about any of this all week b/c my new job has been keeping me very busy. But as I write this I'm filled with so many emotions. I'm lucky to have had her in my life for 23 years and to have had a great relationship with all of my grandparents. I just wish that she and my Daddy Ed (my dads father) could be around a little while longer. But with a Lynam/Moulton combination in heaven I know I will have plenty of divine protection coming my way.
This is Hey-O and grandma Lois' 50th wedding anniversary cake. I thank God that I had two sets of grandparents who got to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. How adorable is that picture?! Actually, now that I think about it, the story of my family is pretty rad. Both of my grandpa's flew for the Air Force. They met while being stationed somewhere in the world together and Ona (my dads mom) made Lois (my moms mom) a welcome to the base pie one day. Well, they got to talking and found out they had kids who were similar ages. One of my mom's brothers and my dads only brother ended up at the same college and were fraternity brothers. Then, one winter my mom came home to the base in Illinois from school in FL. At the same time, my dad went home to the base in Illinois from Westpoint. The base held a winter dance for all the returning cadets and my grandma's set up my parents to go together and the rest is history.

So anyway, keep my family in your prayers. My dad, sister and I will join the fam in CO on Sunday.

thank you God for humbling me through this funky time. I recognize how fleeting our time is on earth, and how powerful you are. please tell my grandma that she is loved, and ask her where her recipe for Santa Maria BBQ ribs is.

I got a JOB

2007-10-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, I got a job. It's a real job. With benefits (eventually), a salary and it will last for more than three months! I am a Project Associate at Pyramid Communications. Pyramid is a public affairs firm dedicated to helping the greater good and supporting socially responsible causes. It is such a cool firm and I can't wait to start on Monday! So yeah for God's plan and everything I endured over the last year and a half. All the odd jobs I had and all the waiting and wondering. My "move" to DC and back was all a part of the plan. I am so excited to be working in a place that exists to be provide a voice for those who don't have one. More to come next week but for now I am so thankful:-)

p.s. Janet, I'm sorry I can't work with you at the church....my days there may finally be behind me.

Random Thoughts Part 2

2007-10-08T15:13:00.000-07:00

1. I've had this feeling in the pit of my stomach since I woke up this morning and can't shake it
2. It's been nice house sitting this week but also pretty lonely
3. I really need a new hobby, I just can't decide what I want to do; dance? piano? kickbox? singing?
4. We are going to see my grandma in CO for Thanksgiving, this is good and bad. Good b/c I love snow and traveling, bad b/c I need to prepare myself for how different she will be
5. I LOVE my dog...I swear she can read my mind
6. Kids are great. They are so funny and obnoxious...but so worth my time
7. The last time I had a paycheck was in August (but I still haven't borrowed any cash from my 'rents)
8. I over analyze and over think everything
9. I am so in love with my boyfriend, I didn't think this kind of a relationship would ever possible for me
10. Snow globes and Dopey figurines make me smile

Party Like a Rockstar...

2007-10-04T14:17:00.001-07:00

That has nothing to do with the post I'm about to write but I just had it in my head so thought I'd get it out.
Ok so what's new with me you might ask? Well let's see. I had an awesome interview today at a communications firm and was asked back for another interview next Monday so that's great. I have another interview tomorrow for a Youth Programs coordinator at THPRD (which I would only pursue if the full time communications thing didn't work out) AND I have an opportunity at Sunset as well which I just love. I'm so thankful for all of these opportunities. It's been rough to have ZERO income over the past month and not to mention flying across the country...and back. So God knows I'm need of some financial and career stability and direction. He knows it and He will provide me with something with is so exciting. I've tried my best to be patient since I've been home turning down happy hours, chips and salsa dates and yes, sadly even dessert (my boyfriend wouldn't believe that for a minute though). So I told God this "ok, I'll trust you to provide, not ask parents for gas money etc. and see how long I can last." Well I'm still here and while my funds are a bit depleted God has brought me an opportunity to house sit this week, 3 interviews, and a house sitting/watch my kid gig in November. He takes care of His people for sure.

Let's see....I got to spend lots of time with my niece this past week. She is adorable. One afternoon she was having a tough time going to sleep, the over tired baby syndrome kicked in and she fought it hard. I got stressed out b/c a baby's cry is so sad to me. So she finally fell asleep after a few hundred laps around my house and as she was sleeping I just started praying over her. I prayed that God would bless her future and provide everything for her. I prayed that she would seek out faith for herself and not be close minded or judgemental. It was a pretty awesome moment to say the least. She had such a traumatic birth and both she and my sister probably should have died. But there's a reason her middle name is Hope and I'm so blessed that in moving back home I get to watch her grow. Here is one of my favorite Nikolette pics:
She still has those sweet puffy cheeks and the best laugh you could imagine. Ok well I better go do something productive with my life....in reality I'll probably just nap with my puppy.

Such is life....

2007-10-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

today has been a crazy day. I think I need to learn to bite my tonuge and shut my mouth sometimes....God has been talking to me alot about my post from last night. I think he's got some lessons to teach me. Thank you Janet and Kurt for your comments, it's nice to know that more seasoned professionals feel that way sometimes about ministry. I think I just need to be less senstitive and more focused on where God wants me :-)

When ministry get's sticky.....

2007-09-30T21:32:00.001-07:00

You know it's really funny, earlier this week I read a very powerful verse in 1 Timothy 2:8
" I want men (and women) everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing". Now I interpret this as prayer and ministry. I like this verse b/c it's simple to read and understand but so hard to live out. Lately I've seen ministry get sticky. I've been involved now in one way or another with youth ministry for about six years. I've seen three high school pastors, five worship leaders cycle through at Sunset. While I know God calls different people at different times, it's been hard to see people come and go in Student Ministries...and lately there has been a wake of sticky aftermath to clean up after.

Recently I was asked to jump back in to ministry in a new position working with leaders I don't know very well. I am excited about the position b/c it's something I know God has gifted me at, however tonight at my first meeting I felt very unwelcome. I felt as if I was intruding on someone else's territory and I don't think everyone was clear on my reasons for accepting this specific position. While some comments may not have been intended for me, I felt as if they were trying to say I was not qualified to be there. After having been involved in a variety of projects within the Sunset program, this type of attitude really ticks me off. I am a team player, always have been. I thrive off of helping make other peoples ideas a reality and really thrive off of watching kids grow closer to God. I definitely do NOT thrive off of taking the place of another or "one upping" another person and I am pretty sure that God does not honor that type of service.

I know that God as called me to be involved again. I may be a political scientist but I can't stand politics, especially in the church! God calls us to honor the gifts He has given each of us for the good of His kingdom. Can we put our pride, opinions and agendas on hold for the sake of His plan? I certainly hope that is the mindset of all who are serving.....but I know from first hand experience that the politics can take us to a place where things get sticky. I'm committing myself to this position and will respond best to the needs of the leaders and students involved. I will choose to rise above the politics I've long been against and do this for God and the students.... Who's with me?!

Oh my my

2007-09-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

My mom's mom, my Grandma Lois was diagnosed with a severe brain tumor a few months ago. She had brain surgery in August and they successfully removed the tumor and started her on a heavy radiation and chemo treatment. A few weeks ago she started to get really really weak, forgetting how to do things like cook and sew which she has done her whole life. As of two weeks ago she couldn't get out of bed, walk down stairs and was not really eating at all. Her radiation and treatment had stopped because she was not doing well and just started back up this week. During her radiation her blood pressure dropped and they sent her into the emergency room. She's been there for a few days and they've figured out some things that have been causing her body to respond poorly so hopefully she'll be able to go home tomorrow.

Anyway, the reason I tell you all this is to ask for prayer. My mom flew out there this week to be with her and my grandpa but I think my g-ma she is just getting ready to give up. I just pray that she can find comfort in God and her family and at the very least get through the treatment. It's hard to have already had one grandparent pass away a few years ago (my dads dad) so I just am not ready to let go. I am so thankful to have had four grandparents for the past 23 years but am sad that I will be the only child in my family who's sposue won't have met all my grandparents who are very important to me. I need to be strong for her and for my mom, but it's hard. So now as my therapy, i will watch Grey's anatomy with my homegirls....thank you for listening.

Taking it back to the Old School.....

2007-09-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

'cause I'm an old fool". Duh that's from a song. I decided to post some of my favorite pics from college and the last year or so....we'll see how this goes.
The pic above was my senior class at Pi Phi....don't we all look so cute!!!

My grandma Ona and baby Nikolette We know we're dorks it's ok
Just another night with the mamas at the Hodeo

Graduation day with all the mamas, that was a great day.

Battling Boredom

2007-09-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

Ok first of all on a random note, when I was typing in the title for this post the suggestion the computer gave me was beer pong...If I ever actually searched for information on beer pong I'm seriously disappointed in myself I mean come on I went to college!

Anyway, today I will battle boredom. I think the first plan of attack is to send as many cards to people as I have stamps for. This should take up at least an hour of the day, so be prepared....you may get a really awesomely decorated card from me soon (if you know me you should be laughing now b/c I'm not artistic at all). Second, I think I will start reading a book I read my freshmen year of college called The Persian Puzzle: The conflict between Iran and America. I was watching CNN yesterday and President Ahmadinejad of Iran was speaking at Columbia. His comments and his speech were fascinating....I want to remind myself of what the "facts" are. I love this kind of stuff. This class I took freshmen year was intense. At UofO there is a crazy teacher named Ken and he is known for his timely and controversial courses. If you don't register for his class at the exact minute you are scheduled to, you'll never get in. This class started out as US Foreign Policy but then the war heated up and it basically became a course of US/Middle East relations. So that term I read 10 novel size books on the region. I knew so much about the conflict and the history of the Middle and Near East, I wish I could remember that all now!
Third I think I'll have a hot choc from Starbucks with a college friend. Then I'll probably go to Fusion and work out with Zmiller.

What do you to combat boredom and do you have any job suggestions for me???

Random Thoughts

2007-09-24T14:51:00.000-07:00

well, after talking to Kurt last night, he said my blog needed a little more "umph" to it so here it goes with my first edition of random thoughts:

1. I'm pretty bored of looking for a job and hate trying to defend/explain my work history since college
2. I worry about money-don't have much of that left after my DC excursion!
3. I talk to my dog all day
4. Lately I've really been wanting to start dancing again. Most people don't know that I danced for 9 years and loved it. I had to choose between sports or joining a performing dance company and I chose sports....that ended up with two knee surgeries.
5. My boyfriend is one of the most patient people in the world....can't believe he's stuck around for 9 months.
6. I wish my friends today could see who I was before college
7. I REALLY want to travel
8. My room smells like stale graham crackers, dirty socks and dog pee....any suggestions???
9. I'm in a funky place right now trying to figure out which direction to take, where to serve in ministry next and how to not let myself disappear
10. I'm on week 2 of shape up September! Hopefully I can keep to it this week as I did last week and get back to a leaner Kristen.
11. I absolutely love the weather change from summer to fall.

more to come later....

Foggy

2007-09-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

That's about as accurate as I can explain my thoughts right now. I had an interview last week with a company I really wanted to be a part of but found out today that they "were pursuing other candidates". I'm just bummed. I have been out of college for over a year and a half and have yet to find my start. I've had some great jobs but they've all been average jobs, which had no room for growth. I'm so frustrated. I wasn't accepted to grad school where I really really wanted to go, then DC didn't work out, and now I am just sitting back where I started this time last year. I know I'm capable to do just about any job. And this experience has been really humbling, but I just want to land a job and stay there for a while. I would love to get into marketing or human resources, but they are both really hard areas to just jump into without any education or real experience. And of course my experience is pretty unconventional. I'm seriously considering going to get my masters in teaching b/c that's something I have always wanted to do- I just pictured myself doing it later in life. It's crazy how the plans we make for ourselves can be a world away from God's plan in our lives.
I guess this is God's way of humbling me and making me focus on the fact that success is not measured by what we get but by what we give.

Enough venting....time to refocus and get on with life:-)

A Great Day in the Neighborhood

2007-09-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

So this is my very first post on my blog! I'm excited to have finally started this, I've thought about it for a long time. I have so much to write about already. As many of you might know, I was supposed to be be in DC right now. My dance with DC has been a long one. It all started my sophomore year of high school. I went there on a trip with other kids from around the country for a week of up close and personal politics. I really got interested in foreign policy and IR after that and when 9/11 rolled around I did a special senior project on terrorism which I presented to the freshmen social studies classes. So then I got to college, declared my Poli Sci major and went on my way. Well then my junior year rolled around and I decided that going abroad wasn't very beneficial for me in terms of academics, but I could do a semester at American University in DC. So my good friend Jessie and I went there for 5 months and loved it. I met some awesome people and got to experience foreign policy happening every single day. As I got to towards the end of my senior year I realized I wanted to apply for jobs and grad school in DC. I did both and was unsuccessful at both. That was a really hard time in my life. I wanted to badly to go to grad school and when I got the "thanks but no thanks" letters in March, I was crushed. I honestly felt like I had nowhere else to go, nothing else to do or offer anyone. Everyone had advice for me and while I appreciated how interested and concerned people were, I couldn't help but just become numb whenever anyone started talking about it. Just when I thought I had moved on, God put DC on my heart one more time. After spending two weeks there in June blitzing the district with info interviews I felt God was calling me to face all my fears, pack it all up and move out there. I felt He was asking me to trust Him to provide. So as I left on Sept 1th no job or place to live, I still felt confident that I was following Him. After getting there I spent time in prayer and in the Word and felt He was calling me back to Portland. It wasn't that I missed my friends, family or amazing boyfriend it was more of a question of Kristen what are you doing here? I prayed alot about it and after listening to an awesome sermon from a pastor I realized that sometimes God brings us to the wrong places in life so we can figure out the right place to be. So I came home. And the best part is that I don't regret any part of it. I faced so many fears and insecurities by trusting Him to provide a place to live, a job, to be my satisfaction away from friends and family. So now as I move toward the next thing in my life (who knows what that is) I am trusting Him more than ever to put me in the right place. I am so thankful for that learning experience and can't wait for what's next. Ok well that's plenty for now....more later