reshaping

If you haven't noticed, I'm kind of an all or nothing girl. Can't hide my enthusiasm but can't fake it either. If i'm not into something, or don't agree, you'll know. I'm also a person who gets hooked on things and then drops them. Examples of this would be: food, music, shows, men and blogging.  I get excited about sharing my thoughts with strangers just for the idea of putting a different perspective into the atmosphere but at times it feels too self-involved. I really do care about big issues but have rarely been able to articulate my thoughts through writing. I'm a straight conversationalist. So i hope you don't read this blog for political insight or theological exploration, this is just a place for me to get things out. 

moving on..... 

Reshaping. That's the current theme in my life. I've been back to the gym for a few weeks now for a physical reshape, that's going....well, it's going. My company is beginning an organizational assessment to consider restructuring and while it's necessary, it's tough to hang on indefinitely waiting around for change. A good friend recently called me out on some things that i knew needed change which got me thinking about how i need to adjust my attitude and actions towards God. Being 25 and single is tough. It's tough to meet people. I need to reshape the way I think about dating and realistic about expectations and what i'm ready for. So needless to say, there's alot floating around in this dome right now. My gut says it's all headed toward good change but it's already been a very long and emotionally draining year. So that's me, thanks for listening. 

25...

...still feeling the vibe. i've never felt different after a birthday but something is different about 25. it feels good. i have a kick in my step and feel a little more legit than last year. nothing happened overnight between 24 and 25 and yet, i woke up feeling like a brand new woman. i haven't analyzed why i am where i am, or why i'm not somewhere else and i don't really care that i'm single though, it would be nice to have someone around. 25 will be my year, i can feel it...

untitled...

....dot dot dot
not the end of a sentence
but an open continuation of thought
leaving room for something else
something another forgot
say it in another way
say it another day
it can linger forever that dot dot dot
let's us pause
think
and repeat
the dot, you hope
might be the link
to the soul
so it will finally
be
complete

removing the clutter...

....i don't know about you but, i have seasons in life that can only be described as cluttered. right now, my room, my car, my desk, my brian, even my computer bag are all cluterred messes. i don't like messy spaces but man, it's bad right now. every night when i get home and walk upstairs, i see the boxes, the pictures and shelves that should find a home, and walk back downstairs. i wish i made the time to de-clutter more than every few months. my mom tried to help by making me a labeled file for literally every possible piece of paper she could think of that needed filing. while it's very sweet, i don't keep copies of bank or credit card statements b/c i just go online to view my account. not that you care so i don't know why i'm telling you this...

when i get in a pattern like this, i usually make a list on my white board of things to tackle that stays there untouched/unchecked for, oh , about a month or two. i guess i can really only laugh at myself because it would take a serious organizing system to fix me. today, i'll start with my desk and try yet another system which won't work but, at least it's something.

i am completely aware that i just wasting three minutes of your life which you can never recover....you're welcome :-)

random...

stifled creativity in the years that have past
anxious to matter for something that lasts

fearful, inspired, passionate and numb
balance is futile yet this is all happening at once

another year, another next time
a new hand to hold
a chance to redefine the story that will be told

hearts to explore, exchange and change
just wish i knew which one to tend to

an encounter like fresh air to my soul
a message that i can and should be more of me, not just less of the old

an unequivocal connection that doesn't require talking
yet time and space seem to be mocking

unwanted change yielding opportunity and hope
inspiration, passion and purpose - all of these i hope

newness....

....when i was younger, i was pretty resistant to change. actually, i have been resistant to change my entire life. that is until recently. lately i find that i am craving "newness". a change of scenary in almost every area of my life. from my apartment, the music i listen to, places i go, people i hang out with and how i spend my time in general. don't get me wrong, i love my friends and wouldn't trade them for anything but i think there is something so exciting about the newness of a stranger. no context, no expectations, no history -just raw conversation. college was fantastic b/c you could meet someone and talk for hours about the smallest or biggest details of life. as we get older and more involved in our routines, i think we all too oftern miss those moments.

i've heard alot of my friends talk about how we're all turning 25 this year. it's weird, i'll admit it. if you had asked me two years ago where i thought i might be at 25, portland wouldn't have been in the answer. but such is life. i've been through some crazy stuff in the past few years with family and friends and while most of it was unwanted, it was so needed. so with a few more months to go at 24, and a whole lot of question marks ahead, i'm embracing being me, and what that means right now...and right now, it means spicing life up a bit.

better together....

...we're all better off together, don't you think? as maxed out as i've been these past three weeks, my family, friends and co-workers have been extremely supportive and i realize now that's made a world of difference. my mom is finally coming home today after spending 19 days in the hospital with a painful skin condition called pestular psoriasis. while i was emotionally and physically exhasuted, i don't think i realized it because my friends and co-workers were there to help carry the load....and a few glasses of wine here and there never hurt anyone :-) knowing she'll be home takes such a weight off my mind and heart. it's awesome.

i have a million things running through my mind at this moment but instead of writing about all of it, i think i'll keep it to myself for once. instead you should check out this article my co-worker sent around today on the differences between the terms new and social media. it's really interesting and relevant http://www.christopherspenn.com/2008/09/04/social-media-and-new-media-are-not-the-same/ and

i'll end with a few pictures that make me happy...






peacelove

the mamas....

a few of my faves from the fun photo shoot in December...

dating is dated...

...was the title of a NYT article a week or so ago. my friend sent it to me and i passed it on because i thought it was unfortunately true. charles bloom writes about the shift in the dating world. it's no longer the norm for people to just go on a date to get to know each other. now, it's all about hooking up once or twice and then seeing if you have a connection worthy enough for dating.

as a single myself, this article really intrigued me. i've had to change my perception on dating post-college. for years i had it in my head and heart that you "date for marriage". well let me tell you how taking that philosphy literally can screw up your expectations in a dating relationship. on the one hand, it is smart to date with intention and be aware of the expectations you're both putting out and picking up BUT, dating with the intention of marriage is way too intense. and for most 20 something guys, it's an impossible concept. i know that there are certain things i need out of a mate but i want my future husband to surprise me. part of the excitment associated with dating is learning what you need, want and desire - not writing it out as a list and waiting for a cookie cutter guy or girl to come along.

bloom maked a few observations that validated my thoughts:

• "under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date."
  

• It used to be that "you were trained your whole life to date," said Ms. Bogle. "Now we've lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them."

i think the last point is so true and something i'm trying to work on - just being open to new people and new expereinces.

check out the link here and let me know what you think.

peaceandlove

the breakup...

....don't worry, this is not another self-invovled post, though i can relate in some way's to this girl's story. my friend jess, who is still in the midst of a break-up, sent me the link to this audio clip. if you have 30-45 minutes to kill i strongly recommend listening to it. on this epsisode of "this american life" ira talks to a girl about her break-up. she was so devasted and into the emotions of it all that she decided to write a song about it. she interviews phil collins, the king of break-up songs, and communicates her feelings about the breakup in a raw, honest and funny way. she's one of those people that doesn't know she's funny. my favorite line is "we took hand holding to a new level"...i can totally relate. it amazes me that sights, sounds and smells can take us back to a moment with someone like we never left it.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=339

one great observation she makes is that break-ups are one of the few emotionally intimate experiences that almost every human being has in common. anywhoo, take a listen. i would love to hear your thoughts. the other "acts" that follow are also really interesting.

the simple life...

...that pretty much sums up my weekend. well, at least the first half of the weekend. I got the chance to reunite with some of my closest friends from college known as "the mamas". not all the mamas were there but it was still a great time. we stayed at a cabin in sun river for three days. while our drive there took over five hours on thursday night due to a bad accident on I-5, we had a fantastic weekend. the snow started falling friday morning but let up just in time for our surprise. my friend jess and i surprised the others with a professional photography shoot. blink photography met the six of us as the old mill mall in bend and spent about 90 minutes following us around taking pictures. it was so fun, i can't wait to see how they turn out.

we had great food, wine and a nice fire all weekend. we debriefed on our lives over the past year (literally) and talked about everything from multi-colored christmas lights to legalizing marijuana. we're all fairly opinionated (can you hear my sarcasm there?!) so our conversations are always interesting. we know one another well enough to call each other our when we've crossed the line or are just being too dramatic, it's great. this vacation was one of the best we've done. no schedules and not a heck of a lot to do but relax. it was nice not having the pressure of doing different activity's and trying to figure out who was going with who etc.

the most eventful part of the weekend, other than our 90's dance party, was the drive home. we heard all weekend that the flipping storm of the century would drop on saturday night but we were prepared to drive in the snow....or so we thought. two of our friends had to drive up in separate cars and meet us thursday night so we had a total of four cars. we decided to caravan over willamette pass to make sure we all made it to eugene at the very least. we cruised over the pass with a few stops for chains and then went our separate ways in eugene. jess, ashley and i cruised up I-5 on dry pavement until we hit Albany. at 5:30 PM we hit albany and didn't move more than a few inches for two hours. it was insane. jess and ash had to go to the bathroom so they were about to hop the side barrier when a female truck driver invited them to use her port-a-potty in her semi. they jumped at the chance, i mean who hasn't thought about what that would be like? they said it had nice wood paneling and was much more spacious than they expected. haha...oh goodness.

we heard chains were required in ptown and we didn't have any (didn't need them over the pass) so we decided to stay overnight in salem with our friend michelle and sort everything out in the morning. my poor friend ashley was bummed not to make it to portland because she had to eventually get back to seattle but we had a great time. we went sledding with michelle, her fiance and his buddies. i loved every minute of it because i let go of all the circumstances which were out of my control. we were there for the night so i tried my best to soak up even more time with these awesome people. we left around 10 this morning and made it back into ptown by 11:30, it was quite the adventure. took literally 24 hours to get home.

i realize this is mostly useless information to you but, if you've ever met any of my friends, it's pretty classic of us and a fun snow day '08 story. here are some pics from the weekend, i'll post more later on facebook.

our back drop for the drive home was amazing....


off the back deck of the sun river house...

i love my friends and was so blessed to have a weekend with some of them. i'm thankful that i'm constantly surrounded with fun, intelligent, whitty, challenging and beautiful friends.

maybe one of these days i'll write a more substantive post that doesn't involve me...

peaceandlove

sweet illumination...

....i think that's that phrase sums up what has been going on with me over the past two weeks. i've been learning so much about myself; how i think, how i learn best, how i let information get in my brain without questioning etc. it's a little hard to explain but it's almost like i'm having a "re-awakening". i'm soaking up the little tidbits about me that for some reason i had tucked away for too long.

...also go to talk with my older sister in japan tonight. since i don't actually pay for internet at my apartment (yes, i pirate a signal every now and again) we don't get to skype as often as i would like. 'm also bad at setting aside time at work or on the weekends to email her so it was fun. she and my brother in law are coming for christmas which will be sweet. i asked her if they are experiencing any effects of the global economic crisis and her response was that she can no longer buy fruits/veggies for under $2. while that's a relatively small thing, i think it's a sign of minor effects in their small town. earlier tonight, my dad and i chatted about how the NW is lucky to have not been hit as hard as other states. while we will likely see unemployment rise above the current 7.3%, our city is not yet at risk or becoming paralyzed by catastrophic cuts to one certain industry.

this has become so fascinating to me over the past few days. as a poli sci major, i detested my econ classes but the nerd in me has come creeping out lately trying to see all angles of the crises we're experiencing now. i had the conversation with my co-workers today about my dilemma to buy local and support small business or simply buy american and buy local food when possible. i heard some commentary on npr recently that encouraged portlanders to buy 10% of their holiday budget on local goods and it would boost our local economy. well i happen to work with steve novick, who ran for senate earlier this year, and he had a different take on this. steve basically said that it's not always a great idea to only buy local b/c supporting small business in this economy isn't enough. it's better to buy american and support local business. what are your thoughts? i have never thought about where the things i buy come from so it should be interesting to try.

here are a few other things on my mind:

• got to reconnect with a friend from my program in DC, great to chat with him
  
• found a couple awesome records at my parents house
• have been rocking harry belafonte's blues record
• wonder if i'll ever sign-up for a dance class rather than just talk about it
• want to buy a goat for a village somewhere in the world this christmas
• excited for a weekend away with friends in sun river next weekend

peaceandlove

floating thoughts...

...wow, haven't posted in a while. let's see what is on my mind:

• i can't belive i went through college without pandora radio
• i'm excited about a few projects in the next year at work: events and media work for Mercy Corps and Portland State
• i'm learning that you can't expect people to give you the love you need/want if you don't give them the love they need/deserve
• family means more than just who you lived with as a kid
• can't wait to put my nephew in a DUKE jersey :-) he arrives in February just in time for March madness
• it's hard to watch people i look up to struggle with issues that hit close to home
• i miss the sound of his voice
• i had an awesome weekend in eugene with the mamas. we rocked the dance floor like nothing had changed. i
• i got to catch up with a friend who i drifted from after college, it was theraputic for us both
• honesty is always the better way to go
• DC?
• i absolutely love my small group. i never would have guessed that 16 year old girls could show me how much deeper i can go with JC
• i'm glad my friends feel like they can unload and confide in me
• i am in a fantastic bible study with a group of "women" (i don't want to admit that is what we're called now) led by janette. we are going through major prohpecies in the bible, it's crazy and so cool. it is so refreshing to hang out with "women" who are in the same life stage as me
• rose braun is awesome and we are so alike it's scary
• can't wait to go snowboarding this season
• i want a dog
• there is no limit to how many scarves i want to buy right now
• this thursday is my last day staying with sarah, she has more energy than most puppies....yikes
• mike geiring is hillarious
• it is a funky feeling to not be in a relationship sometimes but i've embraced my singleness
• will i ever learn to freaking cook and not be embarassed to cook for others?

time to read with sarah and go head to bed....sweet dreams all

peaceandlove

believe and be satisfied...

.....that's the title of a poem my friend gave me in college. it's about love but it really resonates with just about everything in my life right now. i need to :

• belive God will provide me with enough financially to get what i need, pay the bills etc.
  BUT be satisfied with what i have ....which means cutting back on movies, dinner out, games, not getting the snowboard i really want etc.
  
• belive God has brought me to this job for a reason BUT be satisfied with areas i need to grow in and growing pains in an office.
• believe that God will bring the right guy into my life when we're both ready BUT be satisfied with me and God....not easy
  
• believe that if God brought me to it - God will bring me through it

that's alot of but's....

in the midst of all my soul searching and healing though, i've been opening up more. i think i'm becoming a newer version of the old me. i'm more laid back these days, not worrying about being in three places at once doing everything with everyone - that's dumb b/c in trying do that i cheapen the time with the people around me. the real kristen is totally quirky, dances alot, sings nonstop and just rolls with the punches. some people don't know that i've struggled with anxiety and other issues throughout my whole life and everyday i have to literally make a choice to be happy, but i know that's my issue and i'm beginning to be okay with it. life is getting good again and i'm recognizing that i've been blessed with solid relationships and attention most of my life. i'm learning to be okay with me and okay with where God has me...and okay with Sarah Palin. Haha - had to throw that in for Kurt and Mike (if they even read this).

so on this sunshiney beautiful day i think i'll take off a few hours early from work...on my bike of course with my awesome pink helmet:-)

peaceandlove

it's better to have loved and lost...

....than to never have loved at all. yep, that's pretty accurate. but what they don't say is that loving and losing hurt. most of you reading this probably know that zach and i broke up a few weeks ago. actually, i wouldn't even call it a breakup in the traditional sense of the word. we both felt like God was trying to get our attention by telling us that the time jsut isnt right. we've both got a lot of growing up to do and while it would have been much easier (and more fun) to stay comfortable in the functional and healthy relationship we had, we both knew what God was asking for...He wanted our hearts back. it's funny how one day you can think that you're heart is ready for something and the next wake up wondering what in the heck you were thinking. our hearts can jump out in front of us and lead us with emotion and block us from seeing/hearing things. to be totally honest, i think i unintentionally put alot of pressure on zach about the future and allowed my emotions to lead the way when what i really needed was to appreciate where we were at (are at) and jut thank God for a healthy God breathed relatioship.
of course hindsight is always 20/20 but i think you catch my drift.

our relationship surprised me (and most of you) from the start. but I am 100% confident that God brouht me zach to teach me about how to love myself and love other people. he is an amzing person and, as i've told many people, i can't simply delete him. when people hear that we broke up or ask me about the dets, they expect some heart wrenching sob story, like every other breakup. you won't find that here. it hurt...it still hurts but we had such a solid friendship to lean on that we're slowly but surely finding our groove there again. so that's that. thank you all for your prayers, your listening ears and crying shoulders. zach and i are confident that we are where we're supposed to be and that's in God's hands. whatever happens next is up to Him....

as for the rest of my life, I'm working like a dog but gaining amazing expereince on a political campaign for the November elections. we're working on a statewide ballot measure which i'll dive deeper with in a later post. it's funny how God knows what we need better than we do. Hes providing me with awesome friends, great devotionals, work and other good distractions in my life the past few works. im so thankful for my friends and the weddings i've been able to be a part of the past few weeks. i love watching people close to me be happy..that's the good stuff in life.

okay well they're kicking me out of moonstruck so more to come later.

peace love

me time...

...i don't know about you but i don't get much of that. between work, zach, family, friends and church i'm pretty tapped out every week. zach and traci both let last saturday for honduras for two weeks and a few other friends were on business trips this past week so i've had a ton of time to myself. i love it. i've realized that i spend so much time trying to work around other people's schedules and making them happy that i never spend time on me. in my quest to "balance" my relational life i've managed to neglect my personal, spiritual and physical health. this past week i started working out again, praying more throughout the day as i used to, catching up with friends and just being. i realized that i was spending so much time trying to get from point a to b that when i got to b i wasn't a good listener or friend. i was tapped out. it's funny that i'm writing this b/c on sunday i'm sharing at Overflow on this very topic: relationships.

tonight i hung out with my mom, watched a movie and had a cupcake. then i came home and got to skype with tyler who's still teaching in thailand. since he's been there (almost for a year) we haven't had much time to chat. it's tough to coordinate schedules so it was nice to chat without having somewhere to be next.

i think it's time for a s'more.....

peacelove

donde esta??

maybe you've been asking yourself that...where is kristen? why hasn't she been blogging? well my friends, i'll let you in on the last month of my life:

- i moved into a sweet apartment with one of my best friends and i love it (we don't have internet yet hence the hiatis in blogging)
- i road tripped with my grandpa to colorado then stayed with my friend kristina in denver
- i've been busy busy at work. it's the good busy though. i love what i'm learning and how i'm challenged. i'm blessed to be able to work for good people and good causes.
- i've been learning A LOT in my relationships lately. specifically, i don't like when my friends set unspoken or unattainable expectations on me so i shouldn't do that to them.
- it's tough when you feel like you're being replaced
- i miss living with my dog big time
- i'm learning to manage money better than ever before. it doesn't scare me anymore.
- i am praying that i can go to africa in the fall with the church
- i'm leading sophomore girls at overflow and am learning lots
- sometimes at work i pinch myself b/c of all the responsibility and trust they've given me over the last 6 months
- i turn 24 soon:-)
- on the road trip with my grandpa i got to see emotions of his that i never thought he had. we were listening to "It's Your Love" by tim and faith (yes, my gpa likes country) and he was crying b/c he missed my grandma. i told him we could turn it off but he said no, they were tears of good memories.
- my niece is walking and kind of talking. she's awesome.
- zach and i are making strides in understanding each other and learning to compromise....i've found out over the last year and a half that i'm pretty selfish when it comes to time.


that's about it...i'm gonna go home and hang some stuff on my walls finally.
happy sunday

greetings from the desert...

....this week i'm in sunny carefree, arizona for work. our client, sloan-c is hosting the emerging online learning technology conference here this week. i'm a tech nerd at heart so i' excited to be here. my job is great b/c we get the opportunity to work for good causes and apparently it takes you to places like arizona!

it's beautiful here. i've never been to arizona and i get to be here for 7 days. after the conference is over i'm staying with my homegirl linda through the weekend. right now there is a jazz band playing in a building not far from my room and they sound wonderful. i'm tempted to wander over but not and watch them. i'm sitting on my balcony listening to them and it feels like harry connick is going to bust in any minute now. i wish zach was here to dance with me (he told me he wished he could be there so we could eat together...typical) but at the same time it's lovely to be with me.

in other news, the new apartment is awesome. carly and i are doing great so far and elliott the cat has settled in. i'll post pics when i get back next week.

that's all for now- gotta do some work.

peace love

my new best friend...

...two posts in one day, aren't you lucky. sarah and i went to the park tonight (for those of you who don't know i'm staying with sarah magarian while her parents are in mexico) to swing and enjoy the sun. this adorable red head with braces marches up to me and sits down on the swing next to me. i told him he had cool shoes, he said thanks. then he starts doing serious dismounts of the swing to impress me. i told him he was a great jumper- he should look into swing olympics. i ask him how old he is...he says 9. he tells me that he was born in italy at which point sarah asks if that's in france (she's serious). he tells me his name is pietro. but hearing it from an adorable 9 year old in an italian accent is so cute. it was like he declared it, he didn't just say my name is pietro....he owned it. i told him is english is great for only having been here a few years and he tells me that he wants to learn other languages so he can understand all people of the world. so this 9 year old and i start having a border line philosphical conversation about languages and people. he was so intelligent and adorable. he told me to come back tomorrow if the weather's nice....i told him i would have to ask my mom (i think he thought i was like 12). i love kids, they are so awesome if you just listen to them.


in other news i have a stye and an infection in my eye:-(

my friend is a celebrity...

....check it out. my friend kristina is working for the democratic national convention in denver. she moved there two weeks ago and is already being interviewed...phenomenal. i may have her as a guest blogger b/c her stories already sound like sammy's hill. and if you are a girl and you haven't read sammy's hill you absolutely have to.