dis·com·bob·u·lat·ed

*To throw into a state of confusion*

I used to think the word caprious best captured my everyday life in thoughts and actions but now I think discombobulated does. I have been out of control busy for the past two weeks. Ok let me back up. I blogged a week or so ago about how I wanted to stay positive for the week to come. I did pretty well with that. My office moved from SE to NW. Well let's put it more like I moved the office and everyone else showed up to ask questions. I'm not complaining, just being sarcastic. I knew from the get go that this would be in my court and nothing went wrong, we moved in ahead of schedule, but it was just stressful. I haven't managed multiple people and pieces in a while and I forgot how time consuming and brain consuming it is. There were alot of points where I could have been negative or told people to stop asking stupid questions, but I really held it together well. Work hasn't slowed down much, it's actually picked up, but such is life.

I've definitely been connecting more to God lately (thank you Melinda and Stacey for the encouragement) and I've recognized that as I'm working to get over this hump in my life and move on to the better Kristen, I'm encountering a type of spiritual warfare like never before. I don't have time to go into it in detail but I feel like I'm being attacked physically. I'm exhausted everyday and all I want to do is sleep but no matter how much sleep I get, I'm never rested. And of course, hundreds of thoughts have flown through my head like: maybe you have mono, maybe you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or maybe you have some crazy cell disease nobody has ever heard of....and then I tell myself to snap out of it and ask God to give me energy. I'm afraid to go to the doctor b/c I'm paying for my medical insurance which is illness or injury only so I'm just hoping that this is nothing to be concerned about.

BUT despite that junk, life is good. I have a cool job, get to go snowboarding this weekend, have a patient and fun boyfriend and committed friends.

Ok...back to work:-)

deeper

I really want to have a deeper relationship with God. Over the last year I feel like I've shortchanged myself with Him. My pessimism and lack of discipline has gotten in the way of our connection. The past two weeks however have been awesome. I felt like I was connecting with God again on a level that is more than feelings, a genuine spiritual connection. The devil knows this though and has stepped up his quest to keep my mind on the negative things. When I am excited about what God is doing in my life I feel like I'm on top of the world...and then I look to my left and something is crumbling apart.
I usually attribute my negative attitude to my home environment. I grew up a happy kid but somewhere in there my mom changed. She stopped having friends, stopped doing the things she loved and really disconnected from us. Because of her upbringing, I don't think she could ever trust anyone...she moved over 20 times in her childhood and went to three high schools....that would do a number on any kid. Because we used to spend so much time together, I would play off her emotions and moods. My dad was gone a lot, either on a tour of duty or just out town on business so I learned some things from my mom that I wish I hadn't. My sisters were older so they moved out and it was pretty much me and my mom for a while. I know that I can't blame her for my actions and attitude but I also can't help but see that our short-comings are exactly the same. We fear so much in life (fear of failing mostly) that we rob oursleves from really living. We push people away who want to know us intimately, and we beat ourselves up for things which are not in our control.
My goal for the next week is to put my full effort towards spending time with God and getting right with God. I have to be ready to sacrifice relationships and personal satisfaction to spend time with my Savior. I need so much peace and restoration in my life right now and I know that only God can provide that for me. I have to be the person that He made me to be in order to function in this world, I know that starts with forgiving myself and submitting to His plan.

Wish me luck this week..positive thoughts are the name of the game!

Missing your big chance..

today i might have missed a big chance to prove myself. i was so engrossed in a project i was working on, determined to finish it, that i couldn't see anything else. about 10am this morning i got an email from somebody in our SEA office asking if i could help with a peice of an RFP our team was working on. i scanned the email and thought sure, i can do that later this afternoon, no biggie. well, 3PM rolls around and my boss starts sending me all these emails about the original email with documents attached etc. one of her emails said "this needs to be fed-ex'd tomorrow AM". i immediately started to freak out. not only had i missed a chance to be on top of things and organized but i coudnt redeem myself b/c i had to leave right at 5pm due to the fact that i am house-sitting/taking care of a 14yr old for a week ( i call it a gig but its actually taking care of another human being, not easy for me). so i apologized for not being on top of it and did everything i could to coordinate people and paper to end up in the right place. i think eveything will turn out just fine but on my drive home i kept think...did you miss a big chance? not that i would have been asked to write anything important in our proposal, but i would have been a part of putting something into it. i know my boss knows how hard i've been working on the details for our move and other projects she's given me but it's so hard not to wonder.


but the sunset worth leaving early for tonight....