I really want to have a deeper relationship with God. Over the last year I feel like I've shortchanged myself with Him. My pessimism and lack of discipline has gotten in the way of our connection. The past two weeks however have been awesome. I felt like I was connecting with God again on a level that is more than feelings, a genuine spiritual connection. The devil knows this though and has stepped up his quest to keep my mind on the negative things. When I am excited about what God is doing in my life I feel like I'm on top of the world...and then I look to my left and something is crumbling apart.
I usually attribute my negative attitude to my home environment. I grew up a happy kid but somewhere in there my mom changed. She stopped having friends, stopped doing the things she loved and really disconnected from us. Because of her upbringing, I don't think she could ever trust anyone...she moved over 20 times in her childhood and went to three high schools....that would do a number on any kid. Because we used to spend so much time together, I would play off her emotions and moods. My dad was gone a lot, either on a tour of duty or just out town on business so I learned some things from my mom that I wish I hadn't. My sisters were older so they moved out and it was pretty much me and my mom for a while. I know that I can't blame her for my actions and attitude but I also can't help but see that our short-comings are exactly the same. We fear so much in life (fear of failing mostly) that we rob oursleves from really living. We push people away who want to know us intimately, and we beat ourselves up for things which are not in our control.
My goal for the next week is to put my full effort towards spending time with God and getting right with God. I have to be ready to sacrifice relationships and personal satisfaction to spend time with my Savior. I need so much peace and restoration in my life right now and I know that only God can provide that for me. I have to be the person that He made me to be in order to function in this world, I know that starts with forgiving myself and submitting to His plan.
Wish me luck this week..positive thoughts are the name of the game!
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5 comments:
Hey Girl,
I was reading Carrie's blog and saw that you had one so i went to read it.
It was encouraging to read your blog. You are someone who desires to know God more and that really read thru. Have you asked God what he has been thinking about in regards to Fusion? It seems that right as it is starting to get off of the ground, another rug is being pulled out from under it.
I wanted to share with you how hard but rewarding discpline is. Since the Wedding, i have been writing out a weekly schedule for Michael and I and posting it on the fridge for both of us to refer to it. Sometimes I get frustratd. Because of the schedule, I can't do the things that I want to come home and do. This can lead to a very frsutrated woman in me and the ironic thing is that I wrote the schedule! When I write the schedule I think about what I needed to accomplish each day and put a time next to it so it would get done. A typical day is 5:30 personal devotions, 6:00 up, 7:00 am- 6:00 pm work, 6:00 pm cook, eat and clean dinner, 7:00 pm family devotion, 8:00 family walk, 9:30 alone time with husband. All of these things are so necessary for me which is why I wrote them schedule, but they make it so that my time is not my own and i struggle with that, but have kept the schedule and discpline now for 2 months and am so much closer to God for that.
So all this to say that I hear you on the difficulty of discipline but want to encourage you to do keep it up. You'll love the rewards. I'm also finding now how much happier I am when I have some free time here or there. i am getting everything that I feel God wants me to do done and I in my free time I take none of it for granted.
have a great day!
sorry- i'm somewhat new to blogging- the last comment was made by me- Stacey (Dykstra) Graves
hey- hot chocolate would be great! Do you still ever occasionally treck downtown? We could meet for lunch or something early morning? I hope that you are doing well. I really love that picture of you and Zach I sent to you. It's in Mike and I's Wedding Book. :) Let me know a date that would work for you.
thanks for this post... i read it both as a daughter and as a mom... i'm in a rough patch with one of my girls and your post along with what the Holy Spirit has been prompting was challenging in a good way.
I'll be praying for you this week!
J Fraser
Update . . . ? Praying hearts and minds want to know!
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