Christmas List

I've received this from multiple people so here it is

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Bags...they're way easier and usually cuter
2. Real tree or artificial? REAL...cut that baby down! This is my favorite Christmas activity
3. When do you put up the tree? About two weeks to Christmas
4. When do you take the tree down? A week or so after
5. Do you like eggnog? No thank you
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Hmm...my baby Jamie (we had matching outfits) or my record player
7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yep- the one I put up every year...think my parentals got in Germany
8. Hardest person to buy for? Mom
9. Easiest person to buy for? Dad
10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? Can't think of one
11. Mail or email Christmas card? Mail
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? White Christmas and Elf
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? December
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? FUDGE. Straight chocolate, I don't mess with nuts
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Colored duh
17. Favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night or Bing's White Christmas
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home Travel somewhere snowy with family but we usually stay in Ptown
19. Can you name Santa's reindeer? Dasher, Dance, Comet, Cupid, Donor, Rudolph, Prancer, Blitzen....
20. Do you have an Angel on top or a star? Star
21. Most annoying thing about this time of year? No longer having a winter break!

Floating Thoughts

1. It does not feel like Christmas this year...probably b/c I have a real job with expectations and responsibility which = less time for mindless fun.
2. It's nice to have some income which allows me to buy nice gifts for my family after EVERYTHING they've provided for me. I love surprising people with things they don't expect.
3. The church services I went to this weekend were so awesome. The Way was great and Sunday morning at Sunset and Insight were bomb.com.
4. Snowboarding on Saturday was really fun. I am more afraid of the drive up and back than the snowboarding itself.
5. My family misses my grandma and grandpa alot....wish they were still with us.
6. I feel like Im finally getting over a long spiritual drought.
7. I'm looking for a new way to be used in ministry....I never thought I was that good at games (that was someone elses idea) I just enjoy talking about my life experiences and making people laugh.
8. Zach and I have been dating for 1 year! This is the longest relationship I've ever had...it's challenging and fun, he's an awesome guy.
9. I am ready to move out into my own place.
10. I'm thankful that my dad has not fought in this war and that he's still alive....I feel for the families who have lost loved ones for such an ambigous cause or who are away from family during the holidays, those were always the hardest tours to endure.
11. This year God threw me for a loop. First, I expected to be in Washington, DC by March. Then, be in Washington, DC my August enrolled in grad school. Then, I didn't get into grad school so I moved there for four days expecting to be there for a year. Now, I'm in Portland, living at home working for a public affairs firm. Wonder what He'll have in store for me next year......
12. I wonder what my friends really think of me.
13. I'm procrastinating, can you tell?!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! (christmas- more christ)

dis·com·bob·u·lat·ed

*To throw into a state of confusion*

I used to think the word caprious best captured my everyday life in thoughts and actions but now I think discombobulated does. I have been out of control busy for the past two weeks. Ok let me back up. I blogged a week or so ago about how I wanted to stay positive for the week to come. I did pretty well with that. My office moved from SE to NW. Well let's put it more like I moved the office and everyone else showed up to ask questions. I'm not complaining, just being sarcastic. I knew from the get go that this would be in my court and nothing went wrong, we moved in ahead of schedule, but it was just stressful. I haven't managed multiple people and pieces in a while and I forgot how time consuming and brain consuming it is. There were alot of points where I could have been negative or told people to stop asking stupid questions, but I really held it together well. Work hasn't slowed down much, it's actually picked up, but such is life.

I've definitely been connecting more to God lately (thank you Melinda and Stacey for the encouragement) and I've recognized that as I'm working to get over this hump in my life and move on to the better Kristen, I'm encountering a type of spiritual warfare like never before. I don't have time to go into it in detail but I feel like I'm being attacked physically. I'm exhausted everyday and all I want to do is sleep but no matter how much sleep I get, I'm never rested. And of course, hundreds of thoughts have flown through my head like: maybe you have mono, maybe you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or maybe you have some crazy cell disease nobody has ever heard of....and then I tell myself to snap out of it and ask God to give me energy. I'm afraid to go to the doctor b/c I'm paying for my medical insurance which is illness or injury only so I'm just hoping that this is nothing to be concerned about.

BUT despite that junk, life is good. I have a cool job, get to go snowboarding this weekend, have a patient and fun boyfriend and committed friends.

Ok...back to work:-)

deeper

I really want to have a deeper relationship with God. Over the last year I feel like I've shortchanged myself with Him. My pessimism and lack of discipline has gotten in the way of our connection. The past two weeks however have been awesome. I felt like I was connecting with God again on a level that is more than feelings, a genuine spiritual connection. The devil knows this though and has stepped up his quest to keep my mind on the negative things. When I am excited about what God is doing in my life I feel like I'm on top of the world...and then I look to my left and something is crumbling apart.
I usually attribute my negative attitude to my home environment. I grew up a happy kid but somewhere in there my mom changed. She stopped having friends, stopped doing the things she loved and really disconnected from us. Because of her upbringing, I don't think she could ever trust anyone...she moved over 20 times in her childhood and went to three high schools....that would do a number on any kid. Because we used to spend so much time together, I would play off her emotions and moods. My dad was gone a lot, either on a tour of duty or just out town on business so I learned some things from my mom that I wish I hadn't. My sisters were older so they moved out and it was pretty much me and my mom for a while. I know that I can't blame her for my actions and attitude but I also can't help but see that our short-comings are exactly the same. We fear so much in life (fear of failing mostly) that we rob oursleves from really living. We push people away who want to know us intimately, and we beat ourselves up for things which are not in our control.
My goal for the next week is to put my full effort towards spending time with God and getting right with God. I have to be ready to sacrifice relationships and personal satisfaction to spend time with my Savior. I need so much peace and restoration in my life right now and I know that only God can provide that for me. I have to be the person that He made me to be in order to function in this world, I know that starts with forgiving myself and submitting to His plan.

Wish me luck this week..positive thoughts are the name of the game!

Missing your big chance..

today i might have missed a big chance to prove myself. i was so engrossed in a project i was working on, determined to finish it, that i couldn't see anything else. about 10am this morning i got an email from somebody in our SEA office asking if i could help with a peice of an RFP our team was working on. i scanned the email and thought sure, i can do that later this afternoon, no biggie. well, 3PM rolls around and my boss starts sending me all these emails about the original email with documents attached etc. one of her emails said "this needs to be fed-ex'd tomorrow AM". i immediately started to freak out. not only had i missed a chance to be on top of things and organized but i coudnt redeem myself b/c i had to leave right at 5pm due to the fact that i am house-sitting/taking care of a 14yr old for a week ( i call it a gig but its actually taking care of another human being, not easy for me). so i apologized for not being on top of it and did everything i could to coordinate people and paper to end up in the right place. i think eveything will turn out just fine but on my drive home i kept think...did you miss a big chance? not that i would have been asked to write anything important in our proposal, but i would have been a part of putting something into it. i know my boss knows how hard i've been working on the details for our move and other projects she's given me but it's so hard not to wonder.


but the sunset worth leaving early for tonight....

test for jess

Stop Here on Red

I have long been fascinated by traffic signals. Until I was about twelve or thirteen I used ot think that little people lived inside the lights and waited until a lane had lots of cars lined up, and then radioed to his little friends that he was going green. It seemed really logical to me at the time. Today I'm still baffled at how traffic lights regulate our driving pattern. Every morning when I merge onto 26 from Sylvan, I am joined by many other cars as we inch and crawl our way to the light. And then we wait anxiously, some of us more than others, for the light to turn green and affirm our inclination to go. I really don't beilieve that lights at onramps have helped our traffic flow all that much, and don't even get me started on "traffic calming humps" in Beaverton.

I often blow straight through those red lights when merging if nobody is around b/c I think they are pretty ridiculous. What if our signals were switched and Red meant go, Green was stop. I wonder which came first, the red light green light game or traffic signals.

Passion

I've been thinking alot about passion lately. It seems that I've lost mine. I can honestly say I used to be very passionate about God, serving youth, dancing, sports and friends. But I really feel like I've lost my passion to do those things. I've allowed my fears and my comfort zone to own me and my time. Lately, I've been noticing more passion in my friends' lives and I have to be honest that I'm a bit jealous. I remember what it was like to dance across a stage or play on a court and not care what other people thought, it was so freeing...I miss feeling free.

It's not a coincidence that I've also been thinking about what "freedom in Christ" means. I believe that when you truly find your freedom in Christ, you find your passion. When you feel chained to certain feelings, habits, or ways, freedom is a tough thing to attain and passion is fleeting. I often remind myself that God has made each one of us in a unique likeness to Him and that other people's passions are not to be in competition with ours, or to even compliment ours. They just simply are. I know God has gifted me with certain talents and passions and I really want to tap into them. I need some hobbies of my own and I want to have those moments with God again where it's like He's the only one watching. I love those moments.

On another note, thanks to everyone who wrote/called to ask about my grandma. The service last week was really nice and I think my grandma got a great farewell. Her death really opened our families eyes to how much she held our family together. She really was the glue of our family, always updating everyone about the happenings of everyone else, sending cards at Christmas and birthday's. I pray that her life legacy impacted my mom and her siblings enough to make them think about sharing more of their lives across time and space.

That's all for now....(p.s. did you check out the moon tonight? wow)

When it rains.....

This is a picture of my grandma Lois and I a year ago when they visited. Her situation has gotten progressively worse over the last week and a half. She's been in the ICU for almost two weeks now, and still no change. She has been breathing through a ventilator for most of those two weeks. She still has a lung infection, blood infection and the spot on her abdomen is most likely more cancer. My mom and her siblings are all in CO and tomorrow they will end her life support. This is one of the weirdest situations I've ever dealt with. I've seen suicide, death by a drunk driver, natural death by cancer at an old age, but I've never been in a situation like this. I know that even if she were to wake up and get over the infections, her quality of life would be poor and she would have the battle of her life everyday.

I'm so thankful that she knows God and that she will be so much happier in heaven. I will miss the little things about her. She is an amazing seamstress and quilter. She made quilts for both of my sisters when they got married, I'm sad that I will never get to have one. She has always sent us the craziest Christmas presents. For example, one year I got one of those battery powered squirrels that chase a ball which is attached to their mouth. This awesome gift was accompanied with the usual pair of weird socks my grandma packaged in whatever tissue paper was left over from the year before. I haven't had much time to be emotional about any of this all week b/c my new job has been keeping me very busy. But as I write this I'm filled with so many emotions. I'm lucky to have had her in my life for 23 years and to have had a great relationship with all of my grandparents. I just wish that she and my Daddy Ed (my dads father) could be around a little while longer. But with a Lynam/Moulton combination in heaven I know I will have plenty of divine protection coming my way.
This is Hey-O and grandma Lois' 50th wedding anniversary cake. I thank God that I had two sets of grandparents who got to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. How adorable is that picture?! Actually, now that I think about it, the story of my family is pretty rad. Both of my grandpa's flew for the Air Force. They met while being stationed somewhere in the world together and Ona (my dads mom) made Lois (my moms mom) a welcome to the base pie one day. Well, they got to talking and found out they had kids who were similar ages. One of my mom's brothers and my dads only brother ended up at the same college and were fraternity brothers. Then, one winter my mom came home to the base in Illinois from school in FL. At the same time, my dad went home to the base in Illinois from Westpoint. The base held a winter dance for all the returning cadets and my grandma's set up my parents to go together and the rest is history.

So anyway, keep my family in your prayers. My dad, sister and I will join the fam in CO on Sunday.

thank you God for humbling me through this funky time. I recognize how fleeting our time is on earth, and how powerful you are. please tell my grandma that she is loved, and ask her where her recipe for Santa Maria BBQ ribs is.

I got a JOB

Yes, I got a job. It's a real job. With benefits (eventually), a salary and it will last for more than three months! I am a Project Associate at Pyramid Communications. Pyramid is a public affairs firm dedicated to helping the greater good and supporting socially responsible causes. It is such a cool firm and I can't wait to start on Monday! So yeah for God's plan and everything I endured over the last year and a half. All the odd jobs I had and all the waiting and wondering. My "move" to DC and back was all a part of the plan. I am so excited to be working in a place that exists to be provide a voice for those who don't have one. More to come next week but for now I am so thankful:-)

p.s. Janet, I'm sorry I can't work with you at the church....my days there may finally be behind me.

Random Thoughts Part 2

1. I've had this feeling in the pit of my stomach since I woke up this morning and can't shake it
2. It's been nice house sitting this week but also pretty lonely
3. I really need a new hobby, I just can't decide what I want to do; dance? piano? kickbox? singing?
4. We are going to see my grandma in CO for Thanksgiving, this is good and bad. Good b/c I love snow and traveling, bad b/c I need to prepare myself for how different she will be
5. I LOVE my dog...I swear she can read my mind
6. Kids are great. They are so funny and obnoxious...but so worth my time
7. The last time I had a paycheck was in August (but I still haven't borrowed any cash from my 'rents)
8. I over analyze and over think everything
9. I am so in love with my boyfriend, I didn't think this kind of a relationship would ever possible for me
10. Snow globes and Dopey figurines make me smile

Party Like a Rockstar...

That has nothing to do with the post I'm about to write but I just had it in my head so thought I'd get it out.
Ok so what's new with me you might ask? Well let's see. I had an awesome interview today at a communications firm and was asked back for another interview next Monday so that's great. I have another interview tomorrow for a Youth Programs coordinator at THPRD (which I would only pursue if the full time communications thing didn't work out) AND I have an opportunity at Sunset as well which I just love. I'm so thankful for all of these opportunities. It's been rough to have ZERO income over the past month and not to mention flying across the country...and back. So God knows I'm need of some financial and career stability and direction. He knows it and He will provide me with something with is so exciting. I've tried my best to be patient since I've been home turning down happy hours, chips and salsa dates and yes, sadly even dessert (my boyfriend wouldn't believe that for a minute though). So I told God this "ok, I'll trust you to provide, not ask parents for gas money etc. and see how long I can last." Well I'm still here and while my funds are a bit depleted God has brought me an opportunity to house sit this week, 3 interviews, and a house sitting/watch my kid gig in November. He takes care of His people for sure.

Let's see....I got to spend lots of time with my niece this past week. She is adorable. One afternoon she was having a tough time going to sleep, the over tired baby syndrome kicked in and she fought it hard. I got stressed out b/c a baby's cry is so sad to me. So she finally fell asleep after a few hundred laps around my house and as she was sleeping I just started praying over her. I prayed that God would bless her future and provide everything for her. I prayed that she would seek out faith for herself and not be close minded or judgemental. It was a pretty awesome moment to say the least. She had such a traumatic birth and both she and my sister probably should have died. But there's a reason her middle name is Hope and I'm so blessed that in moving back home I get to watch her grow. Here is one of my favorite Nikolette pics:
She still has those sweet puffy cheeks and the best laugh you could imagine. Ok well I better go do something productive with my life....in reality I'll probably just nap with my puppy.

Such is life....

today has been a crazy day. I think I need to learn to bite my tonuge and shut my mouth sometimes....God has been talking to me alot about my post from last night. I think he's got some lessons to teach me. Thank you Janet and Kurt for your comments, it's nice to know that more seasoned professionals feel that way sometimes about ministry. I think I just need to be less senstitive and more focused on where God wants me :-)

When ministry get's sticky.....

You know it's really funny, earlier this week I read a very powerful verse in 1 Timothy 2:8
" I want men (and women) everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing". Now I interpret this as prayer and ministry. I like this verse b/c it's simple to read and understand but so hard to live out. Lately I've seen ministry get sticky. I've been involved now in one way or another with youth ministry for about six years. I've seen three high school pastors, five worship leaders cycle through at Sunset. While I know God calls different people at different times, it's been hard to see people come and go in Student Ministries...and lately there has been a wake of sticky aftermath to clean up after.

Recently I was asked to jump back in to ministry in a new position working with leaders I don't know very well. I am excited about the position b/c it's something I know God has gifted me at, however tonight at my first meeting I felt very unwelcome. I felt as if I was intruding on someone else's territory and I don't think everyone was clear on my reasons for accepting this specific position. While some comments may not have been intended for me, I felt as if they were trying to say I was not qualified to be there. After having been involved in a variety of projects within the Sunset program, this type of attitude really ticks me off. I am a team player, always have been. I thrive off of helping make other peoples ideas a reality and really thrive off of watching kids grow closer to God. I definitely do NOT thrive off of taking the place of another or "one upping" another person and I am pretty sure that God does not honor that type of service.

I know that God as called me to be involved again. I may be a political scientist but I can't stand politics, especially in the church! God calls us to honor the gifts He has given each of us for the good of His kingdom. Can we put our pride, opinions and agendas on hold for the sake of His plan? I certainly hope that is the mindset of all who are serving.....but I know from first hand experience that the politics can take us to a place where things get sticky. I'm committing myself to this position and will respond best to the needs of the leaders and students involved. I will choose to rise above the politics I've long been against and do this for God and the students.... Who's with me?!

Oh my my

My mom's mom, my Grandma Lois was diagnosed with a severe brain tumor a few months ago. She had brain surgery in August and they successfully removed the tumor and started her on a heavy radiation and chemo treatment. A few weeks ago she started to get really really weak, forgetting how to do things like cook and sew which she has done her whole life. As of two weeks ago she couldn't get out of bed, walk down stairs and was not really eating at all. Her radiation and treatment had stopped because she was not doing well and just started back up this week. During her radiation her blood pressure dropped and they sent her into the emergency room. She's been there for a few days and they've figured out some things that have been causing her body to respond poorly so hopefully she'll be able to go home tomorrow.

Anyway, the reason I tell you all this is to ask for prayer. My mom flew out there this week to be with her and my grandpa but I think my g-ma she is just getting ready to give up. I just pray that she can find comfort in God and her family and at the very least get through the treatment. It's hard to have already had one grandparent pass away a few years ago (my dads dad) so I just am not ready to let go. I am so thankful to have had four grandparents for the past 23 years but am sad that I will be the only child in my family who's sposue won't have met all my grandparents who are very important to me. I need to be strong for her and for my mom, but it's hard. So now as my therapy, i will watch Grey's anatomy with my homegirls....thank you for listening.

Taking it back to the Old School.....

'cause I'm an old fool". Duh that's from a song. I decided to post some of my favorite pics from college and the last year or so....we'll see how this goes.
The pic above was my senior class at Pi Phi....don't we all look so cute!!!

My grandma Ona and baby Nikolette We know we're dorks it's ok
Just another night with the mamas at the Hodeo

Graduation day with all the mamas, that was a great day.

Battling Boredom

Ok first of all on a random note, when I was typing in the title for this post the suggestion the computer gave me was beer pong...If I ever actually searched for information on beer pong I'm seriously disappointed in myself I mean come on I went to college!

Anyway, today I will battle boredom. I think the first plan of attack is to send as many cards to people as I have stamps for. This should take up at least an hour of the day, so be prepared....you may get a really awesomely decorated card from me soon (if you know me you should be laughing now b/c I'm not artistic at all). Second, I think I will start reading a book I read my freshmen year of college called The Persian Puzzle: The conflict between Iran and America. I was watching CNN yesterday and President Ahmadinejad of Iran was speaking at Columbia. His comments and his speech were fascinating....I want to remind myself of what the "facts" are. I love this kind of stuff. This class I took freshmen year was intense. At UofO there is a crazy teacher named Ken and he is known for his timely and controversial courses. If you don't register for his class at the exact minute you are scheduled to, you'll never get in. This class started out as US Foreign Policy but then the war heated up and it basically became a course of US/Middle East relations. So that term I read 10 novel size books on the region. I knew so much about the conflict and the history of the Middle and Near East, I wish I could remember that all now!
Third I think I'll have a hot choc from Starbucks with a college friend. Then I'll probably go to Fusion and work out with Zmiller.

What do you to combat boredom and do you have any job suggestions for me???

Random Thoughts

well, after talking to Kurt last night, he said my blog needed a little more "umph" to it so here it goes with my first edition of random thoughts:

1. I'm pretty bored of looking for a job and hate trying to defend/explain my work history since college
2. I worry about money-don't have much of that left after my DC excursion!
3. I talk to my dog all day
4. Lately I've really been wanting to start dancing again. Most people don't know that I danced for 9 years and loved it. I had to choose between sports or joining a performing dance company and I chose sports....that ended up with two knee surgeries.
5. My boyfriend is one of the most patient people in the world....can't believe he's stuck around for 9 months.
6. I wish my friends today could see who I was before college
7. I REALLY want to travel
8. My room smells like stale graham crackers, dirty socks and dog pee....any suggestions???
9. I'm in a funky place right now trying to figure out which direction to take, where to serve in ministry next and how to not let myself disappear
10. I'm on week 2 of shape up September! Hopefully I can keep to it this week as I did last week and get back to a leaner Kristen.
11. I absolutely love the weather change from summer to fall.

more to come later....

Foggy

That's about as accurate as I can explain my thoughts right now. I had an interview last week with a company I really wanted to be a part of but found out today that they "were pursuing other candidates". I'm just bummed. I have been out of college for over a year and a half and have yet to find my start. I've had some great jobs but they've all been average jobs, which had no room for growth. I'm so frustrated. I wasn't accepted to grad school where I really really wanted to go, then DC didn't work out, and now I am just sitting back where I started this time last year. I know I'm capable to do just about any job. And this experience has been really humbling, but I just want to land a job and stay there for a while. I would love to get into marketing or human resources, but they are both really hard areas to just jump into without any education or real experience. And of course my experience is pretty unconventional. I'm seriously considering going to get my masters in teaching b/c that's something I have always wanted to do- I just pictured myself doing it later in life. It's crazy how the plans we make for ourselves can be a world away from God's plan in our lives.
I guess this is God's way of humbling me and making me focus on the fact that success is not measured by what we get but by what we give.

Enough venting....time to refocus and get on with life:-)

A Great Day in the Neighborhood

So this is my very first post on my blog! I'm excited to have finally started this, I've thought about it for a long time. I have so much to write about already. As many of you might know, I was supposed to be be in DC right now. My dance with DC has been a long one. It all started my sophomore year of high school. I went there on a trip with other kids from around the country for a week of up close and personal politics. I really got interested in foreign policy and IR after that and when 9/11 rolled around I did a special senior project on terrorism which I presented to the freshmen social studies classes. So then I got to college, declared my Poli Sci major and went on my way. Well then my junior year rolled around and I decided that going abroad wasn't very beneficial for me in terms of academics, but I could do a semester at American University in DC. So my good friend Jessie and I went there for 5 months and loved it. I met some awesome people and got to experience foreign policy happening every single day. As I got to towards the end of my senior year I realized I wanted to apply for jobs and grad school in DC. I did both and was unsuccessful at both. That was a really hard time in my life. I wanted to badly to go to grad school and when I got the "thanks but no thanks" letters in March, I was crushed. I honestly felt like I had nowhere else to go, nothing else to do or offer anyone. Everyone had advice for me and while I appreciated how interested and concerned people were, I couldn't help but just become numb whenever anyone started talking about it. Just when I thought I had moved on, God put DC on my heart one more time. After spending two weeks there in June blitzing the district with info interviews I felt God was calling me to face all my fears, pack it all up and move out there. I felt He was asking me to trust Him to provide. So as I left on Sept 1th no job or place to live, I still felt confident that I was following Him. After getting there I spent time in prayer and in the Word and felt He was calling me back to Portland. It wasn't that I missed my friends, family or amazing boyfriend it was more of a question of Kristen what are you doing here? I prayed alot about it and after listening to an awesome sermon from a pastor I realized that sometimes God brings us to the wrong places in life so we can figure out the right place to be. So I came home. And the best part is that I don't regret any part of it. I faced so many fears and insecurities by trusting Him to provide a place to live, a job, to be my satisfaction away from friends and family. So now as I move toward the next thing in my life (who knows what that is) I am trusting Him more than ever to put me in the right place. I am so thankful for that learning experience and can't wait for what's next. Ok well that's plenty for now....more later